I feel like a massive walking pile of shit today. I've been struggling to get myself moving in the right direction for the better part of the last year and things just keep getting more challenging. My latest challenge has resorted in me doing things I'm not proud of and has increased my anxiety as a result. Skating on a thin line with my medications between walking zombie and bipolar depressive or worse manic episodes has really made things tense in my household. Couple that with trying to just function normally and it's just a bad situation getting worse with no end in sight.
We've recently talked about moving in with my elderly Grandfather. I'm conflicted as I don't want to leave the area, but honestly it's because I don't want to bring my problems to his life. It would make life a bit easier in the mean time. But longer term it's going to put me right back in a place I don't think is conducive to my growth going forward. I've been away from home now 13 years, I've struggled/fallen but it's been on me. I don't want to put that on an 86 year old who has more years behind them than in front of them.
A solution is to find a new vehicle and spend more time with my Grandfather by basically working for him every other week with in home supportive care. Taking a trip to see him every other week and then coming home. That way I can get a leg up on life a little and start to build out of this hole I've been struggling in for all these years. With the benefit of not bringing too much of my life into his, but also giving us both time to reconnect and spend quality time with one another.
I've been toying with this and other thoughts lately and honestly the paralysis of choice haunts me. With time all things become clearer, but in my case time has just afforded me comfort without growth. I'm at a point in my life that I'm getting older and have different desires than I had even 5 years ago. I just don't have a road in front of me that is clear enough to travel. I'm obsessed with numbers and what is ideal for my situation going forth through life. Having to catch up on so many lost years, it clouds your vision of what can be right in front of you.
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And to think someone loves me enough to put up with my shit day in and day out. I must be doing something right somewhere.