RELATIONSHIPS: helping wizards deplete their mana since 2011

[CatsCatsCats]

There is no rule book. You just get through it.

[etiolate]

No, explain why. Not explaining why is fucked up.

Yeah because telling people exactly what you think is wrong with them should help a lot.

It does help. It's sort of how we improve.

But mostly you should say the why, which doesn't mean everything you think is wrong with them.

Two reasons:

1. If you can't explain why you keep ending relationships then they're might be something wrong with you that you need to figure out before you get into another one.
2. If its a longer relationship and you do not tell the person why, you likely rob them of closure and that closure is the one kind thing you can do for them.

[Huff]

Have you tried moving cities and changing your cell phone number?

[I'm a Puppy!]

No, explain why. Not explaining why is fucked up.

Yeah because telling people exactly what you think is wrong with them should help a lot.

There's a line between pointing out "You need more than I can give right now." Or "We've gotten complacent and have drifted apart." and "You snore, you smell bad and you've had lettuce in your teeth for 2 weeks."

If they ask I think it is important to be diplomatically honest. But if they don't ask, don't tell.

[Mupepe]

No, explain why. Not explaining why is fucked up.

Yeah because telling people exactly what you think is wrong with them should help a lot.

There's a line between pointing out "You need more than I can give right now." Or "We've gotten complacent and have drifted apart." and "You snore, you smell bad and you've had lettuce in your teeth for 2 weeks."

If they ask I think it is important to be diplomatically honest. But if they don't ask, don't tell.

This is more what I was getting at.

Stick with something like "our interests are too different" vs "I don't like going to arts and crafts shows with you. That shit sucks."

One is general, one is specific.

[Beezy]

All this advice (thanks btw) but only one break up story. Come on fam. Make this page more interesting.

[CatsCatsCats]

Worst break up story was with a girl who for all good reasons was a good match but she just really bored me and I didn't really feel a connection or desire for her -- broke up with her after taking her to my parents for some family BBQ while I was drunk. It was sooooo messy of me but she clearly thought she was going to like marry me or something and I knew I couldn't waste any more of her time because I clearly knew I didn't want that with her. Flavor detail: she was a squirter

[I'm a Puppy!]

When she asked when we were going to go out again I said , "yeah, no." Left and didn't take her calls or anything.

Not my proudest moment.

[thisismyusername]

Better than a dryspell purposely.

On a tangent, Wrath: https://www.instagram.com/p/BTq9szcjZJD/

It's nice of him to apologize. I'm not sure if I buy it being sincere or not, but... (Also, read the [shitty ones anyway] comments and now understand my purposeful dryspell)

Now back to PM's about this.

[Atramental]

My "ex" just texted me asking how I've been doing lately... 

[CatsCatsCats]

  you know what to do

[thisismyusername]

Can't wait till you fall in love again.

Basically, this.

[Huff]

Man I'm having my best luck on tinder/etc now that I'm set to move away from the area in the next couple months. Frustrating

[Valkyrie]

.

[thisismyusername]

Oh Jesus. I dunno how to respond to that. 

I'd be up front and ask him to quit smoking. That'd help with the windedness a bit. I dunno how to solve the job issue, especially if it's a breadwinner situation or whatever. The getting into shape would be shallow to ask for, and if you don't love him enough to stick with him in "sickness," I dunno. But if he was able to get a handle on the job situation, I feel like him getting back to the gym would work.

I'm going to be completely honest here in full disclosure:

Sorry, only registered users can see this content. Please Login or Register.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And he comes way too fast, so I just lie there all unfinished.

[close]

Do bring this up, however. Your sexual problems need to be at the fore-front. I wouldn't say "you're a slob and you're ugly." But more "hey, you seem to fall out of sex faster than me. Could you maybe put me first with more foreplay/et. al. suggestions here?"

[tiesto]

Hmm, a 36 year old nurse practitioner who lives in my hometown messaged me on Match. She's cute, has a great job, but her profile mentions she's conservative 

Though I'm talking to a whole number of different women now, like have 5 people I'm messaging back and forth with, and a few seem like they have some potential.

And not to mention there is a ridiculous amount of cute women in my office...

[Valkyrie]

.

[I'm a Puppy!]

I have a lot to say on the whole butt situation, but I'm too busy. So, I'll quickly say this before responding correctly:

- I snored a ton
- was tired all the time
- Gained weight because I was too exhausted to do anything
- There were several years where I just sorta coasted
- Got diagnosed with sleep apnea
- Got a c-pap machine
- Found I wasn't so tired
- Was able to function
- Was able to start losing weight


That all being said, I think there's a lot more here than just sleep apnea but just sayin'. More later.

[Valkyrie]

.

[thisismyusername]

@Kaffir I'm European, living in Japan/married to a Japanese guy.

Okay, guess quitting smoking won't happen, given how Japan is. Especially with the workaholic culture they have there. I can't blame him for being tired at the end of the day given how that culture is.

If it isn't just sexual problems, and the looks: I'd be honest about the change in personality and ask him what is going on (if possible). If he is aggressive/domestic violence, I'd be looking to book it from Japan ASAP with the kids, personally. But I wouldn't know your issues.

[Valkyrie]

.

[thisismyusername]

Do you think it's because you know now that if things get stressful you'll be the primary target? I can see how if you feel like when push comes to shove it would be extra terrible for you in that regard and maybe that's why you're having these conflicting feelings.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. If this new job gets stressful again, will he get angry with you? You should honestly bring that up. Maybe not before or after work, but on a weekend when he's "relaxed." You say you haven't fought in a while, so if you two are able to communicate this shouldn't cause issues.

[brawndolicious]

What's his attitude towards therapy? In general I mean, whether its for you or him or couples therapy. It sounds like the issue here is you both have developed a habit of being guarded about anything that bothers you since you're afraid of sliding back into the way it was before with constant fighting. I myself have been there and am trying to get out of it, when there's a serious issue in a relationship and you have been riding out the storm forever, you get afraid of confronting something you never truly resolved.

You could tell him that there are issues with the romance which is due to that deeper communication problem festering and then just talk out what's happening and what you want to improve. Also you're allowed to ask your partner to keep up their aesthetics, just if you ask nicely.

Do tell him he has to vape or he gets no pussay tho.

[I'm a Puppy!]

Only guessing from the few paragraphs it sounds like he's got some possible depression stuff he has to work out, or at the very least he should see a therapist, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But if he's not willing to work on his issues then outlook is not so good.

[chronovore]

Here's a tl;dr on my marriage. I'm very nervous about sharing this, but here goes.

Please don't judge me, I'm only human. I think.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

I don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband anymore. At all. This is a huge problem because I really want to fuck, just.. not him. So I've been sex deprived for some months now. The rare times we did it lately, I closed my eyes and kept thinking of other people (which made it feel so much better), like my attractive male friends. But the sex was still terrible. I try to change it up, even take control, but he just wanna fuck me in the missionary position, and I hate it. It just doesn't feel good at all. And he comes way too fast, so I just lie there all unfinished. Before I could never see myself cheating, but now I'm at a point where I'm wondering if I could trust myself to be alone in the same room with someone in certain situations, like if they said the right things to me. It is not a good feeling to have. Yet it turns me on to think of it. I'm so messed up. I'm not that sexually experienced either, and have only had 1 bf before my husband. So this feeling is very overwhelming to me. I do love sex, just haven't been with many people.

One of the problems is that my husband let himself go a bit too much. I don't mean to sound shallow, I just really find it unattractive when he seems to have stopped caring about himself completely. He used to be fit, and he was very disciplined with going to the gym a lot. But now he'll just eat junk all the time, and doesn't do anything at all. Ironically, I can hear him really dive into a bag of chips from the other room right now.

This isn't just about sex, because him being this way causes many problems. For instance, he snores A LOT. He snores so much I always dread it when we're going on vacation or staying in a hotel. At home..? Well, we sleep in different bedrooms and have ever since we had a child. This was because 1) He snored too much and it woke up the kid. 2) He always comes home very late after drinking with coworkers, plus he stinks like smoke (yeah, he started smoking again too, which makes it a whole lot worse) every night. He didn't snore when he used to gym either.

One of the biggest problems is that now that he's out of shape, he has absolutely no energy. So in the weekends when we finally have time together (he works so much, I don't see him during weekdays, except a few mornings), he'll fall asleep really early in the afternoon. I'm talking 6-7 pm, and I'll end up being alone just playing games. This contributes to the "we haven't fucked in ages" part, because he's always too tired, or already asleep.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. Probably just needed to unload. We still have good chemistry and we haven't argued or fought in a while, I'm just.. not really feeling it anymore, I think? The longer it goes, the stronger my desires become. I don't wanna hurt his feelings. Should I just buy a dildo and call it a day?

I know, I know, communication is the key. But how do I even bring anything like this up? "Please go back to the gym; I deserve a good fucking."

Any input is welcome, especially from people who have been in a similar situation.

Sincerely, Desperate Housewife(™️).

[close]

It looks like many of the Boritos have chimed in with good advice, so I'll try to not overlap too much:

You're in a rough situation as a foreign spouse in Japan. Your salaryman husband is working so hard that you have precious little time to communicate, and when you are in the same spot, he's exhausted and frustrated. You've also been looking after the child, which itself is both exhausting and, unfortunately, accepted as a matter-of-course in this country. Japanese wives will frequently stay with their own parents for months at a time to get help, and can integrate with their neighborhood for more immediate needs. BOTH of these are resources on which you cannot easily draw.

In short, you're both tired and exhausted and have trouble creating space for each other. You may be out of energy to provide empathy for the other. You may be seeing each other as a burden.

These are all matters of perspective. Try not to take for granted what each of you brings to the relationship. You are both in a rough patch, but take time to find things to appreciate about each other.

As for his health, let him know you're worried it. Being overweight will make him snore, it also prevents him from sleeping well.

One of the things that worked for me was to treat my spouse the way I wanted to be treated, even when I was frustrated. That put her at ease and gave her an opening to be kind in return.

[Valkyrie]

.

[thisismyusername]

The problem with me is that I'm done with the whole "take all the shit" part, and I end up firing back at him if he goes at me. I know Japanese guys expect their wives to just shut up and do as they're told, but I refuse to be treated like I was born to breed, and that only. I'm always nice to him, but if he gets annoyed, I get annoyed. It wasn't always like that, I just have gotten too much shit from his bad moods. It's very hard to pretend I don't have my own opinions, just because this culture expects me to act like I don't.

Anyway, I've gotten a lot of nice advice, so thanks for that. I really appreciate it. I'm not quite sure where to go from here though. Our daughter will enter daycare a few times a week from June, so at least then I'll finally get some time to myself and see if that helps us both in some ways, at least myself. I'll have to try to talk to him soon about the whole sex situation as well. Hopefully an opportunity to talk about it comes this weekend.

It sounds like Japan is getting to you, personally. Is he a permanent resident there? What about moving back to your European country?

[Valkyrie]

.

[Rufus]

It sounds like Japan is getting to you, personally. Is he a permanent resident there? What about moving back to your European country?

I don't have a problem with Japan living-wise or the people here, neither do I wanna move. My home country is great, but I don't generally like the people. I feel much more comfortable in Japan. Plus moving is out of the question, he doesn't speak my language and wouldn't be able to get a decent job (he has a pretty good job now). Anyway I feel bad taking up so much of this thread with my issues. lol

Don't, it's what it's there for. 

spoiler (click to show/hide)

We need more friendly emoticons.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And English needs to be less ambiguous.

[close]

[close]

[chronovore]

RE: Therapy stuff: I actually did bring it up once, a while ago. It wasn't easy, it is not something anyone want someone to say to them. I've been there, and it sucks. Unfortunatly he didn't think he needed therapy, and he refused the idea of it. Luckily things got better after that. I also brought up marriage therapy once or twice when we were doing very bad, but he thought I was exaggerating. Honestly I still think he could benefit from his own therapy, but I don't feel like it's worth the drama of bringing it back up. At least not until/if things get bad again.

Huh. The thing with someone suggesting "marriage therapy" is that it is automatically necessary if either partner thinks it is. The relationship is in trouble, it doesn't say anything specific about either partner except that there is a disturbance in the space between them. It's unsettling to hear that he was dismissive of that.

The problem with me is that I'm done with the whole "take all the shit" part, and I end up firing back at him if he goes at me. I know Japanese guys expect their wives to just shut up and do as they're told, but I refuse to be treated like I was born to breed, and that only. I'm always nice to him, but if he gets annoyed, I get annoyed. It wasn't always like that, I just have gotten too much shit from his bad moods. It's very hard to pretend I don't have my own opinions, just because this culture expects me to act like I don't.

I apologize if I gave the impression that you should be acting like a Japanese wife. You shouldn't. No-one should, not even most of them. This culture suffers from ingrained sexism, and it has held it back as a nation. What I meant was to honestly try to choose a productive reaction between the stimulus and your response. I'm not suggesting that you align yourself with him, or feign not having an opinion. I apologize for the confusion.

[Mupepe]

Since everyone else has mostly covered what I've seen the only thing I have to add is that I think frequency of sex being an issue is pretty common in good marriages.  What's uncommon is bad sex in an otherwise stable, good marriage.  Good communication, trust and chemistry outside the bedroom usually lead to good things under the sheets.  If something is wrong with those 3, sex can suffer and if you fix it there's a large chance it translates to improvement in your sex life.  If those are good, then maybe try to jump start his motor by coaxing desires out of him and see if that wakes the dragon so to speak?

[demi]

Here's a tl;dr on my marriage. I'm very nervous about sharing this, but here goes.

your mistake is thinking getting in shape leads to good sex. get my boy molotov in there and he'll beat that pussy up like it was thanksgiving.

[Valkyrie]

.

[CatsCatsCats]

It's good to see the bore helping out with butt stuff


You've already received a lot of advice, I'll just toss in that in my experience things don't get better without getting addressed -- it seems like to me your need to feel like your marriage is a safe harbor has been compromised by his past aggressive behavior, y'all need to bridge that gap together. Wishin you luck!

[TakingBackSunday]

that is my biggest fear about my relationship, butt.  I'm scared that Lindsay would start having those same thoughts.

It's really lame, but what I've started doing, whenever thinking about having a drinking night, or getting shitty food, or thinking about not going on a run and playing video games instead, I just think "Do it for her."  Gives me the motivation to actually fucking do something positive for not only her, but for me as well.  I'm not in GREAT shape but I'm still noodly – and according to her, that's how she likes me.

Also our sex life has become really fun lately – a lot more rough, more positions, and longer, which is great.  And honestly, my job is really fucking easy with her.  She comes so goddamned easily whenever she gets on top.  So whenever I get tired I just lay on my back and let her do her thing for 5 minutes or so.  Then I'll take over.

I guess your husband just needs to know that he needs to motivate himself or else he's going to lose you.

[Phoenix Dark]

Here's a tl;dr on my marriage. I'm very nervous about sharing this, but here goes.

Please don't judge me, I'm only human. I think.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

I don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband anymore. At all. This is a huge problem because I really want to fuck, just.. not him. So I've been sex deprived for some months now. The rare times we did it lately, I closed my eyes and kept thinking of other people (which made it feel so much better), like my attractive male friends. But the sex was still terrible. I try to change it up, even take control, but he just wanna fuck me in the missionary position, and I hate it. It just doesn't feel good at all. And he comes way too fast, so I just lie there all unfinished. Before I could never see myself cheating, but now I'm at a point where I'm wondering if I could trust myself to be alone in the same room with someone in certain situations, like if they said the right things to me. It is not a good feeling to have. Yet it turns me on to think of it. I'm so messed up. I'm not that sexually experienced either, and have only had 1 bf before my husband. So this feeling is very overwhelming to me. I do love sex, just haven't been with many people.

One of the problems is that my husband let himself go a bit too much. I don't mean to sound shallow, I just really find it unattractive when he seems to have stopped caring about himself completely. He used to be fit, and he was very disciplined with going to the gym a lot. But now he'll just eat junk all the time, and doesn't do anything at all. Ironically, I can hear him really dive into a bag of chips from the other room right now.

This isn't just about sex, because him being this way causes many problems. For instance, he snores A LOT. He snores so much I always dread it when we're going on vacation or staying in a hotel. At home..? Well, we sleep in different bedrooms and have ever since we had a child. This was because 1) He snored too much and it woke up the kid. 2) He always comes home very late after drinking with coworkers, plus he stinks like smoke (yeah, he started smoking again too, which makes it a whole lot worse) every night. He didn't snore when he used to gym either.

One of the biggest problems is that now that he's out of shape, he has absolutely no energy. So in the weekends when we finally have time together (he works so much, I don't see him during weekdays, except a few mornings), he'll fall asleep really early in the afternoon. I'm talking 6-7 pm, and I'll end up being alone just playing games. This contributes to the "we haven't fucked in ages" part, because he's always too tired, or already asleep.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. Probably just needed to unload. We still have good chemistry and we haven't argued or fought in a while, I'm just.. not really feeling it anymore, I think? The longer it goes, the stronger my desires become. I don't wanna hurt his feelings. Should I just buy a dildo and call it a day?

I know, I know, communication is the key. But how do I even bring anything like this up? "Please go back to the gym; I deserve a good fucking."

Any input is welcome, especially from people who have been in a similar situation.

Sincerely, Desperate Housewife(™️).

[close]

Check your PMs

[TakingBackSunday]

PD already sliding into some DMs 

[demi]

The man is Japanese PD - we've seen plenty of videos to know how big it is

[CatsCatsCats]

Why you stayin if you miserable, JDub?

[fistfulofmetal]

i aint the most in shape person and my sex drive isn't the highest in the world but i at least make sure i get my girl off when she wants it. don't be selfish, brehs.

[TakingBackSunday]

How does everyone deal with you SO's frustrations with their career?

My girlfriend has continually experienced awful jobs in which she gets a lot of blame and gets "yelled at" as she says.  She constantly vents to me about not feeling competent, not being able to succeed, not being able to find jobs in her chosen path, etc.  To be honest, it gets very discouraging and it makes me feel helpless.  I want to help her, but I don't know what to do other than help her look for jobs and reach out to people to see if they have any leads.

I just don't know how to deal with the constant depression when it comes to her work.

[CatsCatsCats]

Provide empathy, not solutions

[TakingBackSunday]

Provide empathy, not solutions

I suppose.  At a certain point it just bums me the hell out though 

[fistfulofmetal]

just gotta be that emotional rock my dude. soap up all the emotions being thrown at ya.

i don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't ever try to provide solutions. sometimes people do want that, but it's specific to the situation. my typical thing to do is to listen listen listen until my girlfriend has got it all out of her and then gently transition to providing advise but paying attention to if she's being receptive. if she's not i immediately bail out of that and go back to just listening.

[TakingBackSunday]

Thank you.  I feel a little selfish for feeling bummed out by all of this, but ultimately I love her and want her to be happy with both her work and with me.  I can at the very least provide a little bit of solace and happiness for her when she comes home.

[CatsCatsCats]

See, you can start to create a problem if you need her to be totally happy for you to be comfortable

[TakingBackSunday]

Yeah, I hear that.  I didn't mean to communicate that's what I need.

[Brehvolution]

Marriage should have a renewal date every 10 years.

'Til death' seems a little long.

[etiolate]

butt:

Just gotta communicate the sexual frustration part. Also, you're probably both getting older and energy will be an issue. As mentioned, the snoring is likely a sleep apnea thing that can be treated. The Cpap machine may turn you off tho.

[thisismyusername]

How I'm feeling right now (and yes this is relationship related):

[Valkyrie]

.

[etiolate]

BrandNew: Not much more you can do except keep showing support for your wife. I'm sure things will get better for her sooner or later. She probably feels worse about it than you do as well, so you'll have to be the stronge one.

butt:

Just gotta communicate the sexual frustration part. Also, you're probably both getting older and energy will be an issue. As mentioned, the snoring is likely a sleep apnea thing that can be treated. The Cpap machine may turn you off tho.

I'm only 28 and have also ADHD, energy is the least of my problems. Maybe my old husband just can't keep up. He blames his age sometimes (but he's 36).

Sleep apnea sounds very likely. A friend has that machine, and I can already imagine my husband's face and anger if I suggest him to try it.

I have the machine. It makes you feel like darth vader retreating to his life chamber. There is also a mouth palette that pushes the tongue down and opens the air pathway. I think my bro-in-law uses that. It's probably the most comfortable option. The third option is surgery but fuck extra surgery.

And at 36 his metabolism level is probably nose diving. You can probably balance out the decline with aerobic exercise, but that requires the energy being there in the first place.

[chronovore]

(...) Sleep apnea sounds very likely. A friend has that machine, and I can already imagine my husband's face and anger if I suggest him to try it.

Even when you come to him from concern for his own health? That's kind of weird. 

[thisismyusername]

How I'm feeling right now (and yes this is relationship related):

(Image removed from quote.)

Fun, ain't it.

You have to remember that other people don't always talk in code, euphemism, or diplomatic half-truths.

Except for when they do.

Oh, I'm sure this person isn't. It's just me mindgaming myself worse than Atra does.

[Phoenix Dark]

Your husband wouldn't be interested in any changes, even if you kinda led the way? For instance instead of getting in mish position what if you just got into doggystyle and said some sexy stuff...he'd just shrug and demand missionary?

[Valkyrie]

Your husband wouldn't be interested in any changes, even if you kinda led the way? For instance instead of getting in mish position what if you just got into doggystyle and said some sexy stuff...he'd just shrug and demand missionary?

He'll just pull out after a few minutes and indicate I should lie back down so he can finish. Then I'm all

[demi]

The many five bore members furiously punching a wall in unison at the opportunity

[thisismyusername]

On a slightly different tangent: https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/6avqm8/incel_who_catfishes_is_linked_to_by_rdrama_the_op/dhhvg1i/

At least Rah isn't catfishing people. But this sounds like him a bit.

[Rahxephon91]

I'm sorry that I give off that impression. I wish I could say I'm getting better, but that would be a lie. If anything I continue to sink further into my ways and am becoming increasingly bitter and angry about the opposite sex. But I would like to say it's the former from that link, just utter frustration and not actual hate. I mean the whole misagonist thing is dumb and the angers real source is mh own insecurity. But right now for me it's much better if I avoid women in general.

[Mupepe]

Made any progress in the gym? You look like you could have a badass body (no homo) based on your frame.