I don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband anymore. At all. This is a huge problem because I really want to fuck, just.. not him. So I've been sex deprived for some months now. The rare times we did it lately, I closed my eyes and kept thinking of other people (which made it feel
so much better), like my attractive male friends. But the sex was still terrible. I try to change it up, even take control, but he just wanna fuck me in the missionary position, and I hate it. It just doesn't feel good at all. And he comes way too fast, so I just lie there all unfinished. Before I could never see myself cheating, but now I'm at a point where I'm wondering if I could trust myself to be alone in the same room with someone in certain situations, like if they said the right things to me. It is not a good feeling to have. Yet it turns me on to think of it. I'm so messed up. I'm not that sexually experienced either, and have only had 1 bf before my husband. So this feeling is very overwhelming to me. I do love sex, just haven't been with many people.
One of the problems is that my husband let himself go a bit too much. I don't mean to sound shallow, I just really find it unattractive when he seems to have stopped caring about himself completely. He used to be fit, and he was very disciplined with going to the gym a lot. But now he'll just eat junk all the time, and doesn't do anything at all. Ironically, I can hear him really dive into a bag of chips from the other room right now.
This isn't just about sex, because him being this way causes many problems. For instance, he snores A LOT. He snores so much I always dread it when we're going on vacation or staying in a hotel. At home..? Well, we sleep in different bedrooms and have ever since we had a child. This was because 1) He snored too much and it woke up the kid. 2) He always comes home very late after drinking with coworkers, plus he stinks like smoke (yeah, he started smoking again too, which makes it a whole lot worse) every night. He didn't snore when he used to gym either.
One of the biggest problems is that now that he's out of shape, he has absolutely
no energy. So in the weekends when we finally have time together (he works so much, I don't see him during weekdays, except a few mornings), he'll fall asleep really early in the afternoon. I'm talking 6-7 pm, and I'll end up being alone just playing games. This contributes to the "we haven't fucked in ages" part, because he's always too tired, or already asleep.
I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this. Probably just needed to unload. We still have good chemistry and we haven't argued or fought in a while, I'm just.. not really feeling it anymore, I think? The longer it goes, the stronger my desires become. I don't wanna hurt his feelings. Should I just buy a dildo and call it a day?
I know, I know, communication is the key. But how do I even bring anything like this up? "Please go back to the gym; I deserve a good fucking."
Any input is welcome, especially from people who have been in a similar situation.
Sincerely, Desperate Housewife(™️).