Author Topic: Depression/mental health thread  (Read 110367 times)

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Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #840 on: October 23, 2022, 08:37:46 PM »
So I got my meds this week. Did surprisingly fine/better on my crohn's med with the new biosimilar since it normally throughs my GI out of whack for a few days, but this time on the biosimilar had basically no side effects.

Got the Iron on Thursday and around Friday night started feeling the side effects like getting a flu shot/covid vaccine and felt like pretty under the weather. Saturday was mostly the same and then I had an anxiety attack/depression day for the back half because about a week ago I noticed a bump on a lymph node above my collarbone on the right side and I looked it up and it said if you're over 40, any swelling of the supraclavicular lymph nodes is 90% chance of cancer because normally nothing should be swelling them and the right side drains esophagus and lungs so if it is cancer you're fucked. Anyhow I noticed it was still kinda swollen and a bit hard yesterday about 8 days later and had anxiety attack while also under the weather from the iron.

I was super depressed this morning because of all that, but I got past it and today I thankfully didn't feel under the weather from the iron and I actually felt pretty good, so I did some self-affirmations and went out hiking for the day to get out and change mindset and it was really nice. Feeling a lot better.

If my lymph node doesn't clear up in another couple of weeks I'll see my ENT but not gonna worry about it. I think the most likely explanation is that when I'm at my computer sometimes I tend to rest my left hand on the bottom of my throat/collarbone on that right side and with all the stress and anxiety I've been dealing with, I think I was probably rubbing the skin and the minor swelling of that lymph node is just from irritating it. I checked today and if I'm not like PRESSING HARD into my muscles to feel for it, I can't feel it, so I don't think it's materially swollen. It's just annoying that those nodes literally have a 90% cancer rate at over 40 and I'm ...41 :|  Also I've never noticed those lymph nodes at the bottom of my throat/above the collar before so it spooked me a bit. Plus the whole Iron Defeciency Anemia thing, which apparently most if most doctors see IDA with no apparent cause they start searching for cancer in the body causing internal bleeding somewhere. But Crohn's Disease can also cause IDA from inflammation not allowing decent iron absorption, and I have CD, so it's likely that, but still just something to keep an eye on, but gonna try not to stress on it.

Anyhow, looking forward to feeling better, getting my covid booster and getting back to dating. Ready to settle down in the near future. Never know how much time you've got left!

Transhuman

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #841 on: October 24, 2022, 02:17:46 AM »
Thinking of giving up veganism just to see if my complete apathy is a symptom or not. I wasn't exactly a bundle of joy before but at least I spoke to people, left my house, and felt emotions.

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #842 on: October 24, 2022, 02:27:30 AM »
Why half-measures? Try eating other people and see if your energy level changes.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #843 on: October 24, 2022, 11:19:16 PM »
Therapist and I have been working on trust lately. This was a very good lecture on it. One part talks about how a wounded inner child will change themselves to be accepted by others, a sort of chameleon. Sound familiar?



I really, really want to be able to trust people. All of my relationships are tied to the fact I don't trust anyone or anything. It's really deflating and isolating. I always assume someone has some hidden agenda and I'm sick of second guessing every person and every thing in my life some sort of Sherlock Holmes.

I have to say that this doctors youtube channel is fantastic. So many great videos on things I suffer from.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2022, 12:08:26 AM by Himu »
IYKYK

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #844 on: October 25, 2022, 01:48:59 AM »
.
:O

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #845 on: October 26, 2022, 05:41:29 PM »
Today's therapy sesh was :delicious

Therapist told me,"you've made so much progress in such a short time span. I'm proud of you!"

Really good session. :)
IYKYK

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #846 on: October 26, 2022, 05:50:26 PM »
Today's therapy sesh was :delicious

Therapist told me,"you've made so much progress in such a short time span. I'm proud of you!"

Really good session. :)

Seems like the bore has really helped you out
:O

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #847 on: October 26, 2022, 07:07:06 PM »
Nah, you're all cunts. Well, most of you.
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #848 on: January 16, 2023, 11:57:57 PM »
Anyhow, I never really followed up from October.

The lumps on my neck never went away (not sure if I mentioned at the time but initially it was 1 lump and at some point it become 2 with the second one by its side being smaller) and it took me 1.5 months to get into my ENT to get them checked out for cancer. Then my ENT said "actually I'm not that kind of ENT" and said eh, I don't think they're cancerous lymph node lumps but it's not really my field and just to be safe I'll refer you to the right NECK ENT ...whose first available was another 2 months out (USA USA USA health system). I even got on the waitlist and everything in case people cancelled to no avail. The doc did say "well sometimes your body can just freak out and your lymph nodes get messed up and larger for no reason and there's nothing wrong"

Finally have my appointment on Monday. The lumps haven't really gotten any bigger since at least November or so. They'll be able to do an ultrasound of them in the appointment apparently and they'll be doing a vocal chord scope because if it's cancer, apparently getting bumps on the side of your neck most likely means vocal chords or thyroid. Both which if you catch them early enough apparently have pretty good survival rates though they also grow faster than other types of cancer.

Still been pretty anxious. My Gastrologist wanted me to check my Thyroid at some point because he thought it's one of the things that could have caused my iron deficiency anemia, and on the vocal chords, I did have a non-cancerous polyp on my vocal chords for years which would basically cause me to lose/cut out my voice if I talked too much in a day and would even bleed a bit when it did (which made work hard and I had to try to limit my calls per day). In 2018 or 2019 it suddenly tore off and vanished leaving a wound on my vocal chords which was horrible and I thought I was gonna die for a month or two while trying to get it diagnosed why I was coughing up blood from my vocal chords and felt tons of raw pain. But when I finally saw an expert they said the worst was over and it was pretty much healed up and other than some slight scarring everything looked fine. And it's true that I stopped having my voice cut out and I haven't had any bleeding from my vocal chords since. So I haven't had the area looked at since then. Also because I've been work from home since the pandemic I usually talk out loud less than 1 hour a day so I don't use my vocal chords that much so wouldn't notice if there's any issues that restarted.

I'm pretty sure this all has to do with having horrible GERD/acid reflux for decades and regular flare ups of weeks of acid burning and damaging my throat and vocal chords over time.

Just mentioning that because it does worry me that it could be a vocal chord thing again since I have a history of a non-cancerous polyp forming on them. Plus having GERD like I do doubles the chance of throat cancers in a lifetime.

I'll see on Monday.

My anxiety about this has been making me feel like I can't enjoy much because I'm worried I may not have a lot of time left and everything feels like a waste of time. It's causing me to re-examine my wants and start thinking about if I knew I was going to die in 6 months or 2 years, what would I do with my life?

Would getting in a relationship with one loving person be all I need? Probably not.
Would running around having sex with lots of people in short term flings make me happy as I go towards the end? Probably not. Fun for a bit but that's about it.
Would playing games feel like a waste of time? Probably.
Same with all other types of media.
But would creating some work of art to leave behind to the world make me happy and fulfilled? Not really.
Would traveling around the world seeing different cultures and eating different foods be enough? It'd be fun but would probably feel like wasting time that's left.

So I came to the realization that I think....nothing would make me happy and ok going towards my final amount of time. Which if you extrapolate that out further, even if I get lucky and don't have cancer, there's still only x amount of years left.

I guess this means at 41 going on 42 I've hit my midlife crises officially. I just have no idea what I want to do with my life to be fulfilled and satisfied with the time I have left.

Also I'm on schedule to have an experimental (but not dangerous) surgery the week after which may fix my chronic pain issues, but could also make things worse or do nothing. And the recovery will take a few weeks. So the next few weeks are a lot of nervousness of figure out if I have cancer or something going wrong, and having a surgery and seeing how things go. Definitely a reason games aren't doing much for me atm.

Will be in a different place for better or worse a month from now and can start to make some life planning/choices about what I want to do next. For now just trying not to stress about these next two weeks too much. A good friend once told me "if you can't do anything about it, don't waste time thinking or worrying about it" to which I am generally trying outside venting.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2023, 12:02:14 AM by Bebpo »

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #849 on: January 17, 2023, 12:08:53 AM »
Oh and I also got what seems like tendonitis in my achilles tendon a week or two ago from my daily jogging warm ups before working out and maybe from some jumping I do. I let it rest but it flared up again next time I jogged to warm up. The next morning after these workouts the back of my heel hurts every step I walk. It had mostly calmed down and then I didn't even jog but went on a 30 min walk and after like 5 mins every step hurt and then yeah the next day it's hurting again.

From what I'm reading I just gotta not go on walks/jog/jump for a week or two and really let it heal up fully while doing heel stretches and icing if  it's hurting. So I'm doing that. I love walking and usually walk miles every day when it's not raining so not being able to walk is a bummer.

But apparently if you keep flaring it up it can become chronic, so going to give it time to really rest and heal. But just another pain thing having to deal with while dealing with everything else which sucks.

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #850 on: January 17, 2023, 12:47:25 AM »
Good luck and strength to you on encountering your midlife crisis. I met a guy who went through it at 30. He wasn't doing any of the  things he expected to be doing, and hadn't accomplished what he thought he'd do by that age.

I went through mine at 44. I went through a fairly extensive depression, then made some big changes and tried a few things. I'm still struggling with the larger question of meaning, but I'm grateful to still be trying to actively figure stuff out at 55 years old.

Kurt Vonnegut posits repeatedly in his speeches that the nature of "modern" life puts too much pressure on relationships. Every marriage is doomed if we expect that the spouse can fill the role of an entire community. Community is actually what humans are adapted around. We need different types of communication with different levels of intimacy. We probably even need people we don't like much, so we can focus outside ourselves.

A tribe's natural evolution was the neighborhood. But we moved away from knowing our neighbors and the people in our building or block, and instead focused on finding "the one" who can fulfill our needs.

It's impossible. We're not built that way.

The best option we have is to find our community, either through education, religion, group meetings around specific interests, or other activities.

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #851 on: January 17, 2023, 12:59:55 AM »
Yeah, I was thinking having a friend/family/relationship combo network is one of the most satisfying things.

Unfortunately since Covid I've been missing out on irl friend network. I probably need to work hard to try to re-establish that this spring.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #852 on: January 18, 2023, 04:09:37 AM »
Bebpo, any updates?

I can't offer much besides prayer and hope. I pray everything is alright and it's not cancer.
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #853 on: January 20, 2023, 08:25:57 PM »
Had my AC guy out because my heat pump was having issues. Brand new AC/heat unit I put it on the roof in 2020 after my last one failed 10 years in (they're supposed to last 25 years).

Turns out my guy found some stuff in my 2.5 year old AC unit that he's never seen in his 20 years of 1,000s of AC units. Good chance it's mold since when the AC blows it's smelly/musty and leaving standing water out while the AC is blowing the water gets mildew smelling after 10 mins or so.

Basically I've been breathing in 24/7 some strain of mold for at least a year if not 2 years+. I've had tons and tons of health issues, some weird, some random since around spring 2021. Who knows if any of it could be related. I've been wanting to move since 2019, this sucks.

Even testing for mold is not...quick. Have to wait for the guy to come back next week and do the test, which then takes 48 hours and then if mold grows in the sample try it has to be mailed to a lab who figures out what kind of mold it is and then gives the results. So could be 1-2 weeks until we know. Then will know what the next step is. If it's not toxic/dangerous stuff he'll spray it with bleach and kill it and put in a UV light and expand the ducts for better airflow to prevent it coming back. If it's something bad, will have to call the major toxic removal people.

Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out if I have respitory cancer...smh

Even if I went and bought a house this weekend it'd be in escrow for a month and I wouldn't move that soon. Plus making a major life purchase like that on time pressure is bad. Plus about to go into surgery and surgery recovery.

I could go live in a hotel for a month until we figure out the mold. Or I just figure I've been breathing this shit in for 1-2 years, what difference will another month make.

I think running the heater may be safe. When I run the heater it doesn't smell or make my standing water smell funny. So I think the heat does kill the mold whatever it is. And it's not like I'm going to be running the AC until late spring. So I think it's probably ok to stay here and keep using the heater. Idk, it all sucks. I'm having a bad life right now. Can't even think about getting back to hobbies or making games or dating or making friends. Just busy trying to not die.

Bebpo, any updates?

I can't offer much besides prayer and hope. I pray everything is alright and it's not cancer.

Thanks, will know more after doc appoint on Monday.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #854 on: January 20, 2023, 09:57:21 PM »
My recommendation: get a hotel. When my family had mold we had them killing it in the house for months and we temporarily lived with grandma and grandpa. It's either stay at a hotel or stay with your folks. Whatever it is, do it quick and do it now. Do not delay.

Thanks Bebpo. I will continue to pray. It's good we found out about the AC. Now let's make steps to making that better. One thing at a time.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2023, 02:11:22 AM by Himu »
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #855 on: January 21, 2023, 03:35:36 PM »
Putting an offer on a house. Coincidentally found a good one after two years of searching. Probably a bidding war though so who knows.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #856 on: January 21, 2023, 05:29:55 PM »
Congratulations. I plan on getting a house this year myself.
IYKYK

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #857 on: January 23, 2023, 11:12:26 AM »
Keep us updated on your appointment today buddy.
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #858 on: January 23, 2023, 02:34:52 PM »
Keep us updated on your appointment today buddy.

All clear.

Doctor did ultrasounds and took a look and said I had two enlarged lymph nodes on the side of my neck, but they were healthy and still within the normal limits and if they hadn't gotten any bigger since I noticed them, it's fine.

They said, just like how people can get a streak of white hair from high stress, a high stress event or virus or injury can cause your lymph nodes to change size and they can be like that for a short or long while and then shrink, or they can just permanently be like that. But it's not a dangerous thing.

Plus they looked all around my neck/throat/vocal chords and everything looked clear and fine. Said some of my lower neck soreness when doing push-ups sometimes is from muscle strain in my neck muscles from working out and no big deal.

Definitely a good relief. Can be less depressed now. Now just gotta hope my surgery goes well. Doc had to reschedule it to mid-February, so not super soon.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #859 on: January 23, 2023, 02:43:42 PM »
You've got some relief! One thing down and off the list. Tackle the list one at a time! Go Bebpo!

Any updates on your living situation? Did you move to the 'rents or check into a hotel?
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #860 on: January 23, 2023, 03:14:31 PM »
Any updates on your living situation? Did you move to the 'rents or check into a hotel?

Only possible mold issue is when running the AC/Heater unit. No mold in the house itself. Aired out the house for a day, and then just living log cabin style without heat. Haven't turned on the AC/Heater/Fan unit since then.

Though after a few days of making breakfast in my 59f kitchen and sleeping in my similarly cold bedroom and working while my feet are ice cold I borrowed some space heaters from friends and family and they're actually working pretty well for my computer/tv room and bedroom. Kitchen still cold as fuck, but I can live with it for a few weeks or month until this is all worked out.

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #861 on: January 25, 2023, 01:37:22 AM »
Got my latest blood results and my Iron levels which shot up dramatically and took me out of 6-12 months of living with anemia, are already crashing hard and at this rate a month from now I'll be anemic again :\

Feels like with health stuff, it just is never ending. Need to do all the various testing to try to figure out why I can't absorb iron at all. And will almost assuredly need to do another iron infusion in a month or two. Which sucks because while it worked great, it was basically like being sick for two weeks straight while your body runs in overdrive and converts the iron. If I only get like 3-4 months out of it, that's not great.

So now I gotta figure out the timing with my surgery. Because will probably be hitting anemia right around when I'm recovering from that. Fingers crossed a bit later so I can do the surgery, recover, then do the iron infusion and be sick for two weeks and hopefully have identified the cause and be able to stop it from falling off so much again this time.

My ferritin (iron stores) were like 5 last year and anything below 30 is bad and you need an IV infusion of iron. Normal range is 38-300. 7 weeks after my iron infusion I jumped from 5 -> 99 ferritin. But now 6 weeks from that I fell from 99 -> 50 ferritin.

It really doesn't seem like it's being caused by my crohn's disease because I don't have any active inflammation showing in my intestines. Also doesn't seem like it's from cancer/internal bleeding because none of that has shown either. From google it really seems like there's only a few other things that could be causing me to be completely unable to absorb iron:

-Celiac Disease (gluten inflammation of small intestines) - Would need to go on a gluten-free diet.
-Thyroid issues of not producing enough hormones and apparently it messes with your stomach acid and absorption of iron - Would need to take hormone pills
-Small Bowl Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) - bacteria in your small intestine steals and eats all the incoming iron before your body can absorb it - Would need to be on a rotation of antibiotics and diet changes
-Long term damage from PPI (anti-acids) messing with your acid levels and ability to absorb iron - would need to taper off the anti-acid med I've been on for 20 years for my acid reflux

I'm hoping it's a thyroid issue because that seems the easiest to treat and recover from if it's just an extra pill to add to my list of pills I gotta take daily. Waiting for my doc to give me a lab order for a thyroid/hormone test.

Pretty bummed about all this. Was so depressed and tired and fatigued last year on anemia and really not looking forward to falling into that even for a short term again. Keep wanting to be done with all this health stuff so I can get back to living my life. First was the surgery I had last year and recovery, then was the anemia last year until I got my iron infusions, then was these swollen lymph nodes on my neck that took 4 months to get to the right doctor and check and see that they weren't cancer, then it's another surgery and recovery I gotta go through, and then it'll be another iron infusion and time figuring out what's causing the iron issues and treating that.

I just want to get back to feeling normal and being able to go do things with people and travel and go on dates. It just feels never ending medical issues.

I knew the iron infusion wasn't going to last forever, since we never figured out the underlying cause of the iron deficiency, but from what I read and people's experiences with iron infusions, was really hoping it'd last at least 6 months if not a full year before had to look into iron infusions again. Not like getting near anemia levels again after 3 months  :-\

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #862 on: January 25, 2023, 06:11:54 AM »
Can you get tested for celiac?
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #863 on: January 25, 2023, 02:17:45 PM »
Yeah, there are pretty good easy tests for Celiac and Hormones.

SIBO is diagnosed with this breath test that I've been meaning to do since last fall but it's a pain in the ass because the only place that does it is a 90 min drive away, you have to fast for 1.5 days before the test, and then breath into a bag for like 2-3 hours straight. I had it scheduled last fall but I didn't realize I was supposed to fast the day before so I had to cancel it.

Will be getting all the testing done. Hopefully can figure it out. 25% of people with Crohn's test positive for SIBO, having low iron can cause hypothyroidism where you don't make enough hormones because your thyroid needs iron to function properly and I had no iron for like most of 2022, and I have a blood related aunt that has celiac disease and is on gluten-free for life...soooo basically could be anything! But at least these are all testable things.

Just need to get the tests done, get one more iron infusion in a month or two when I fall into anemia level and hopefully fix the issue before the next blast of iron starts to fall off too much. It's doable, and it's not going to kill me, but it's just frustrating. Getting the insurance to authorize my iron infusion last time over 6 weeks was incredibly stressful, so hopefully the doctors can start on getting the authorizations soon so when I do need the iron infusion I have the insurance authorization to do it ez pz.

Also fingers crossed the recovery from my surgery in a few weeks is light so I can recover quick and move to the next stuff I've got to do. The surgeon says it will be, but also depends on what he finds when I'm under anesthesia and what he needs to cut and do.

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #864 on: February 08, 2023, 01:50:07 PM »
Ok, survived another surgery. In a lot of pain but it’s tolerable and picking up pain meds for the week.
Hope this works.

On figuring out my iron loss/anemia:

Thyroid test = normal
Small Bowel Bacteria Overgrowth test = normal but only 45-55% accuracy and there’s a second test needed to rule it out
Celiac disease test = did test yesterday, should have results in a day or so.

If Celiac is normal/negative, doctor will refer me to a Hematologist because it must be some weird rare thing since all the normal stuff that would cause inability to absorb iron or enough blood loss to constantly be using up all iron is seemingly negative and it’s a mystery :spooky ghost

Next blood test is in a month and we’ll see if I’m anemic again, in which case it’s time to try to get another iron infusion approved.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #865 on: February 08, 2023, 11:08:56 PM »
Rest up buddy
IYKYK

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #866 on: February 09, 2023, 06:09:18 PM »
We're all pulling for you, Bebsy.

Tasty

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #867 on: February 13, 2023, 10:20:36 PM »
Why is it the big shitty things sink in slowly and don't really bother you, but the little shitty things just send you over the edge?

Fucking broke but I have lots of room on two credit cards. Oh wait, they expired and got sent to my sister's address in MA since I've been waiting to get out of my parents' in CT before I update my address. Oh, guess she didn't even receive them in the mail anyways.

Maybe I'll play same Monster Hunter, I haven't really gamed in months, maybe that'll cheer me up. Oh wait, my Pro Controller is fucking dead.

Mom's dementia and memory loss has gotten sharply worse since I've come back.

I haven't dated in 4 years and honestly at this point I've idealized my next romantic partner so much literally no one can ever clear that bar. I have access to 5% of the population and gays don't give a shit about monogamy so no hope there.

The only reason I've been working so hard for so long is to get my own place. Found out today I probably can't even do that.

My YouTube Premium expired 5 minutes ago. I have the family plan so now my entire family knows I'm goddamn broke and they have to watch ads now. I FUCKING HATE ADS

7 days a week and I can't even pay myself. What the fuck is the point of living

benjipwns

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #868 on: February 13, 2023, 10:27:49 PM »
What the fuck is the point of living
Getting likes on The Bire for your good posts.

Transhuman

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #869 on: February 13, 2023, 10:37:33 PM »
That's rough Tasty, I hope someday you're able to move out and you find a guy that actually wants a relationship and that your mom dies and you have enough money to pay for YouTube premium.

Tasty

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #870 on: February 13, 2023, 10:40:08 PM »
My crown fell off my molar three days ago, had to wait until today, finally went to a dentist, in person... Got shoo'd out the door, "Call us back after our lunch break in an hour."

Like what the fuck. Instead of calling I went home and took a six hour nap. Dreams are better than this

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #871 on: February 13, 2023, 10:41:16 PM »
You are gay and you care about monogamy. There are others out there like you, and they are more likely to share your values than other gays, who do not believe in monogamy.

I’m sorry to hear work is still garbage and keeping you way too busy, and I’m sorry to hear about money troubles. It sounds incredibly stressful.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2023, 10:48:01 PM by chronovore »

Tasty

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #872 on: February 13, 2023, 10:42:11 PM »
That's rough Tasty, I hope someday you're able to move out and you find a guy that actually wants a relationship and that your mom dies and you have enough money to pay for YouTube premium.

I can't tell if this is sarcastic or not, but the implication that it is was enough, you broke me.

Goodbye Bore. You can keep the extensions.

Transhuman

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #873 on: February 13, 2023, 10:44:07 PM »
?? You're one of the only people here I like Tasty, I was just trying to make you laugh

You don't have to go. If you tell me you want me to leave the site and never come back, I will

BIONIC

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #874 on: February 13, 2023, 10:44:43 PM »
Transhuman you’re fired
Margs

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #875 on: February 13, 2023, 11:09:47 PM »
Rename Transhuman to Trashhuman please.
IYKYK

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #876 on: February 13, 2023, 11:11:44 PM »
Tasty please take a break and come back when you're ready. Hopefully things get better. I'll pm you elsewhere to check on you. :heartbeat

?? You're one of the only people here I like Tasty, I was just trying to make you laugh

You don't have to go. If you tell me you want me to leave the site and never come back, I will

In what way is telling someone you hope their mom dies when they're clearly distraught over her dementia making jokes?

IYKYK

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #877 on: February 13, 2023, 11:12:53 PM »
Bebpo how are you recuperating after your surg?
IYKYK

demi

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #878 on: February 13, 2023, 11:13:35 PM »
That's rough Tasty, I hope someday you're able to move out and you find a guy that actually wants a relationship and that your mom dies and you have enough money to pay for YouTube premium.

That is probably the worst possible thing you could followup with after that. Holy shit you are brain dead and tone deaf. Go back to Reset please
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benjipwns

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #879 on: February 13, 2023, 11:45:02 PM »
Tasty's not allowed to leave, who's going to unlock the Witching Hour thread for us? And DC Comic post with me? And be one of the only other Bire members with a computer on Linux?

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #880 on: February 13, 2023, 11:51:25 PM »
nobody leaves without sucking my hog!
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james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #881 on: February 14, 2023, 12:02:24 AM »
My YouTube Premium expired 5 minutes ago. I have the family plan so now my entire family knows I'm goddamn broke and they have to watch ads now. I FUCKING HATE ADS

Get a free ad blocker my bro and join us with free ad-free videos of twitch drama
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Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #882 on: February 14, 2023, 02:39:15 PM »
Why is it the big shitty things sink in slowly and don't really bother you, but the little shitty things just send you over the edge?

Fucking broke but I have lots of room on two credit cards. Oh wait, they expired and got sent to my sister's address in MA since I've been waiting to get out of my parents' in CT before I update my address. Oh, guess she didn't even receive them in the mail anyways.

Maybe I'll play same Monster Hunter, I haven't really gamed in months, maybe that'll cheer me up. Oh wait, my Pro Controller is fucking dead.

Mom's dementia and memory loss has gotten sharply worse since I've come back.

I haven't dated in 4 years and honestly at this point I've idealized my next romantic partner so much literally no one can ever clear that bar. I have access to 5% of the population and gays don't give a shit about monogamy so no hope there.

The only reason I've been working so hard for so long is to get my own place. Found out today I probably can't even do that.

My YouTube Premium expired 5 minutes ago. I have the family plan so now my entire family knows I'm goddamn broke and they have to watch ads now. I FUCKING HATE ADS

7 days a week and I can't even pay myself. What the fuck is the point of living
Tackle one problem at a time and in this case I would start with the 7 days of working and not making ends meet.

Usually a fresh new perspective can help to make the business prosper again. Late last year our creative director suddenly quit. I was left with a bunch of unfinished projects right before the holiday season and half-baked work that went return to sender. I barely had time for anything but work and I couldn't really celebrate our ~15% profit increase.

Everyone sort of expected I would just replace him with a new hire who would then build a new design team but instead I completely changed our direction. He was doing some things just for the sake of doing things, they weren't profitable and no one really liked doing them. He also couldn't really change things because he was already overworked doing the work he felt he 'had to do' and he had fired designers that he felt weren't good enough or as good as him. In the end it was just him, an intern and another designer. His team was responsible for 50% of our revenue but made only marginal profits. So the first thing I did when he quit was to integrate the design team into the development team and cut all design-only services. Design always has to be part of a development project.   

In about 4 months our positioning has improved a lot as we're no longer chasing every penny but are instead focused and specialized.
The bar for other companies to hire us for specific development work is much lower as they no longer have to worry that we will also compete for the adwords campaigns, social media posts or want to take over a bunch of IT stuff.
However unlike other 'just development' teams we also include high quality design by default. Because our teams and processes are now integrated this is much more efficient and far less risky than hiring a seperate designer.

I've introduced a new directive this month that for each new 'high value' client we sign an old 'low value' client has to go. Eventually replacing all the clients we'd rather not have with better clients.
It was a big gamble and it took a while for everyone to understand the new direction but it is really starting to resonate.

People are starting to say to me that it's probably for the best that our creative director quit and I was quite surprised by that but it is true that I wouldn't have been able to implement these radical changes with him still around. :doge
The only solution he could think about was 'charge more' for the same low value things.

Fixing all this meant losing about 10 maybe 20 opportunities at the start of this year that I would've been happy with a year ago. But now we're starting to get much better opportunities and I can work on my health.
🤴

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #883 on: February 14, 2023, 08:26:12 PM »
Wishing you the best Tasty.

Bebpo how are you recuperating after your surg?

 :larry

Getting better with some ups and downs. No fun for sure. And these pain meds I got must be like extremely low dosage because they really did less than just some extra strength tylenol.

Yesterday I actually got some work done and errands and stuff, but today too much pain and moved everything I wanted to do today to tomorrow's plan and took some tylenol and tried to sleep through as long as I could. Awake now but yeah, pain. Too out of it to accomplish anything today, even playing some games or something probably.


Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #884 on: February 15, 2023, 05:01:15 PM »
Having a really hard time today. This is the first time in a while I just feel against the wall mentally. I wish I could get a hug and be told things will be better but I've learned no one's coming, and it's best to just express this to my therapist. I have a lot of regret in how I've treated people in theast few years. I've kind of given up on making friends and stuff because I know I'll eventually do something to make them hate me. I've tried to people please my whole life; doesn't work. Living for yourself gets people mad at you so that doesn't work. It feels that no matter what you do you're alone in this. I know I have my quirks and I'm really hard to like. I've kind of lost my fear of death. Even being in my 30's it feels like I've lived a long time. I'm not suicidal or anything but I think I'm ready for life to end and I'm fine when it happens.
IYKYK

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #885 on: February 15, 2023, 05:08:41 PM »
nobody leaves without sucking my fat hog  :wag
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Uncle

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #886 on: February 15, 2023, 05:21:50 PM »
man  :gloomy

I don't usually click onto this thread, I will be sad if Tasty doesn't come back...seeing what he was saying, I wish I could talk to him via PM  :(


as much as Transhuman made a mistake, I also feel really bad for him, because I completely identify with having that sense of humor that sometimes says the exact wrong horrible thing, when you wanted to relieve tension but didn't quite do it correctly, and that feeling that wells up inside you when you realize how thoroughly you fucked up, and you wish you could take it back and fix it

maybe I shouldn't put words in his mouth that he didn't express but I just mean that's how I would be feeling


and I hope Himu starts feeling better too and finds someone to hang out with
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BIONIC

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #887 on: February 15, 2023, 05:27:16 PM »
nobody leaves without sucking my fat hog  :wag

Did you suck your own fat hog before your last hiatus? :ufup
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Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #888 on: February 15, 2023, 05:38:06 PM »
Having a really hard time today. This is the first time in a while I just feel against the wall mentally. I wish I could get a hug and be told things will be better but I've learned no one's coming, and it's best to just express this to my therapist. I have a lot of regret in how I've treated people in theast few years. I've kind of given up on making friends and stuff because I know I'll eventually do something to make them hate me. I've tried to people please my whole life; doesn't work. Living for yourself gets people mad at you so that doesn't work. It feels that no matter what you do you're alone in this. I know I have my quirks and I'm really hard to like. I've kind of lost my fear of death. Even being in my 30's it feels like I've lived a long time. I'm not suicidal or anything but I think I'm ready for life to end and I'm fine when it happens.
Apart from me and filler there's about 8 billion people in the world left to eventually piss off.

Friends come and go I believe the average cycle is about 8 - 10 years. I've been friends with people from childhood and I've been friends with people for a few months just because we hit the same bars.
Friendships are different as we get older but that doesn't mean they're less important. I didn't end all of those friendships on the right note, but you know what neither did they.

Also it's not strange that we feel like we've lived a long life. I mean, our generation had a crazy ride with transformational changes.
When we were born the internet was just a way for defense contractors to exchange ascii art of boobs and videogames were made out of boredom by scientists. Now most of the economy is digital and videogames are the biggest entertainment industry in the world.
Just look at how fucked up the boomers are and all they had to worry about was the tail end of Vietnam and the Cold War(there wasn't even any shooting) and some oil thing with the Saudi's back in the 80's.
Boomers just had to do what their dads did, my line of work didn't even exist when I was born and will probably not be of any use 50 years from now because of AI advancements.

If I was given a dollar everytime something happens that is only supposed to happen once every 100 or 1000 years I'd be a rich boomer.
🤴

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #889 on: February 15, 2023, 07:09:22 PM »
man  :gloomy

I don't usually click onto this thread, I will be sad if Tasty doesn't come back...seeing what he was saying, I wish I could talk to him via PM  :(


as much as Transhuman made a mistake, I also feel really bad for him, because I completely identify with having that sense of humor that sometimes says the exact wrong horrible thing, when you wanted to relieve tension but didn't quite do it correctly, and that feeling that wells up inside you when you realize how thoroughly you fucked up, and you wish you could take it back and fix it

maybe I shouldn't put words in his mouth that he didn't express but I just mean that's how I would be feeling


and I hope Himu starts feeling better too and finds someone to hang out with
as the great american philosopher patrice o'neal always said, "Funny and unfunny come from the same exact place" and to paraphrase "... I don't defend the unfunny joke itself, I defend the attempt"
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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #890 on: February 15, 2023, 07:10:34 PM »
nobody leaves without sucking my fat hog  :wag

Did you suck your own fat hog before your last hiatus? :ufup
I never left. I've been posting with my alt the entire time  8)
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BIONIC

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #891 on: February 15, 2023, 07:29:44 PM »
nobody leaves without sucking my fat hog  :wag

Did you suck your own fat hog before your last hiatus? :ufup
I never left. I've been posting with my alt the entire time  8)

 :ohhh

Your Himu posting has been your greatest piece of performance art yet :bow :bow2
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Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #892 on: February 20, 2023, 06:47:17 PM »
Doing really good now.

Been talking to my therapist about how I used to be a creepy guy. Pornography addiction, high functioning autism, and alcoholism isn't a good combination. I've really hurt and scared a lot of women often unknowingly and no one caused it except myself. It stems from a lot of things from being sexually assaulted to women to other things but at the end of the day those are just excuses. The worst of it showed up when I started to go down a red pill dating rabbit hole for relationship tips which pushed me to my worst excesses. Owning up to my behavior and being forthcoming about my relationship with women has been helpful. I cannot really change the past but I can change my behavior going forward by respecting boundaries and not being a shitty person.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2023, 06:51:50 PM by Himu »
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #893 on: February 20, 2023, 11:33:37 PM »
Happy for you Himu!

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #894 on: February 21, 2023, 02:21:32 AM »
Thank you. Allah is guiding me.
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HardcoreRetro

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #895 on: February 21, 2023, 08:53:49 AM »
Is anyone here close to Tasty and has checked up on him?

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #896 on: February 21, 2023, 09:04:41 AM »
Is anyone here close to Tasty and has checked up on him?

I've sent him pms here and elsewhere. Nothing.
IYKYK

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #897 on: March 03, 2023, 07:24:27 PM »
I got no responses from Tasty but I contacted his sister and asked how he's doing. She says he's super busy but fine. So we got our update. Told her to give him a big hug and to maybe do something special for him
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james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #898 on: March 03, 2023, 08:52:13 PM »
How does one go about contacting Tastys sister
:O

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #899 on: March 03, 2023, 10:52:44 PM »
How does one go about contacting Tastys sister

Not being James I guess or maybe build a 10+ year friendship with someone and know how to contact them and their loved ones if need be.
IYKYK