I don't want to inturrpt Atra's success thread, but I do want to post a little bit about where I'm at.
Things are going decently if not very steady. I've been seeing a therapists and while I don't want to talk too much about that I will say it's been ok. I feel a bit more confidence in myself. Its fleeting, but it comes back. It's funny, I know its my mother but even she noticed a little more swagger in how I walk recently and I feel it too. Sometimes when I smell really good(I always smell good), know I've dressed decently, and know I look good I defenaitly walk with a more sure head. It's been happening a lot more recently too. I actually think from time to time I look pretty good. My beard is kind of hot since well I never let it look messy or unclean. I may not have the best hairline, but my hair has a good color, volume, and is general kind of pretty. I know that sounds lame, but its good to take some pride in some shit. Hell, Ive even gotten some positive feedback at school.
As for the girls part it's mostly the same. I haven't come across anyone interesting. Tender has been ok. I've gotten some attractive women to swipe on me. Some of them don't respond, some I don't send anything too, but at least I got a swipe. Hey, good pictures actually do something who knew? I'm not actually interested in meeting someone on Tender to be fair. Besides I'm really more of an in person type ...person. Texting is boring and even then I feel like I have to know you for me to think you can handle my real personality. So I'm pretty boring texting people I don't know, but I think I give off a casual vibe. Anyway, it's not a serious avenue for me and I've gotten decent feedback which at the end of the day is all I wanted.
As for women I do know. Well I went through a spat with my Mexican female friend. I don't want to bore you with the details. It was bad, we made up and are instantly back to normal. I don't know there is something there, not a sure thing, but there is something. I for sure want her, probably more so than any girl I've ever known. Not only physically, but mentally/personality wise too. I don't know why. On paper shes not my type at all, but I don't know we have such good chemistry and I guess she reminds me of my mom?(that is so strange). While we don't at all share hobbies or stuff like that, she is very wild, strong, smart, maybe not book smart, but I don't know. She compliments aspects of me in ways I don't think I've thought about before. And shes very attractive. I wouldn't say I'm in love with this girl, because I don't know what love is(I want you to show me), but I don't think I've ever been this genuinely interested in a girl.
I don't think she feels the same and thats fine. I'm hoping I meet other girls and while it hurts I will survive. Or rather she doesnt feel that way right now. I know she feels something. I mean she talks to me and touches me differently then any other guy I see. We had not an awkward car ride, but a strange one when we came home from drinking. I felt like we both wanted to say something, but did'nt. One of our female friends gave me some positive feedback. Not "oh she wants you to", because I don't think thats it. I dont expect anything to happen. She said she is clearly comfortable being herself around me and she clearly wants me around. Right now she's just looking to have fun and not be in any relationship. Which makes sense because she just got out of one. That is pretty obvious and I don't want to push any relationship. Like I said something is there, we flirt a lot, talk a lot more now, and clearly like each other, but that doesn't mean anything will happen. Which is cool.
So thats where I am at.