Hey we haven't seen this thread in a while! I'll post a little update this time.
So I've been on HRT for 17 months and quite a lot has changed since I've started. I'm nearly at B-cup breasts, my body is shaped more like a typical woman's (especially around my waistline), and for the first time in 22 years I'm actually quite proud of the body I have, and feel comfortable in it. I've heard a few things that lead me to believe that many people in my life who don't know (including my dad) are starting to suspect something is up with me and the way I'm getting girlier every day. They don't know the half of it.
Among all the changes, the ones in my libido are the most welcome, and perhaps the most surprising. Having a male sex drive never felt "right" for me, it was always attached to this crushing sense of guilt and shame and it made my attempts to befriend women way more complicated than necessary. Now, my sex drive is something I'm much, much more comfortable with. All the changes have been so fun and speaking about them with my friends led to some interesting conversations, to say the least! One of the key differences between a male and female sex drive, as I understand it anyways, is that the former often feels as if their state of arousal is brought on by external stimulus (i.e. seeing a "hot babe" or being the recipient of dance floor grinding) but the latter doesn't work quite the same way. Instead, arousal is something that (for lack of a better word) blossoms from within.
In other words, nothing I see is gonna get me in the mood to fuck, and I like it that way. The mood just comes and goes as it pleases. Speaking of "come", orgasms are a very different beast now. I don't want to be cliché and say it's "better", but I know I
like it better. Before, sexual arousal began and ended at the penis, where during an erection it felt like I was wielding a hot, meaty stick of fuck. Now, that sensation has nearly spread across my entire body, but centered around my midsection. I still get erections and my penis is still sensate, but nowhere near what it used to be, and is actually out-competed by other regions in terms of erogenous strength (namely, my perineum). There have been times where I was powerfully aroused with a completely flaccid penis, an impossible feat before the magic of estrogen
Men have also begun to illicit much different reactions from me than they ever used to. Now that I'm not experiencing the effects of masculinization, seeing my male friends descend into the adult stages of male development is much easier to appreciate. There are a few ways in which I find men much more physically attractive than women
but I'm still lesbian-leaning. I discovered one good way to gauge your sexuality is just think of the sex of the people you allow to wreak emotional havok upon you. We only take that kind of shit from the sex we truly prefer in partners
Something I struggled with for a very long time was the intense desire I have to be a biologically functional woman, and this devotion to the idea that it would someday be possible. However, I've come to accept that I am not, and will never be a "real" woman. I do, however, share the dependance a woman has on estrogen for psychological balance, and my hormone development only increases the number of similarities between me and natal women, and that offers a bit of comfort. I think a lot of people could be convinced I'm woman "in all the ways that count", but sadly I'm afraid there will always be a voice inside that is upset that I don't have a vagina or a uterus or a regular menstruation cycle. It's just something I'll have to live with, and I've come to terms with it.
That concludes my divulging of horrendously personal information on a public forum
If you actually read all of that, thank you for your time
