Have you ever had that complete realization that you are a broken and useless indivudual that wants to do die? I feel like I have that last part every day. I always want to die? I'm such a pointless person. Unable to really connect with people. My future looking so pointless and worthless. I go to school for writing and I"m so shitty at it. You all can read my posts here and on GAF and you know I'm an idiot, why the hell would I even bother with some artistic bull shit. Yet, for whatever reason thats where I was pushed into. I was never good at anything and so for whatever reason I found myself(in my 2nd go around) in writing. What a fucking crock of shit. An art degree will get me no where and I might as well simply kill myself now as I'm bound to be the 40 year old working at target living with my mother. My future job shit scares me and I'm so afraid to admit it to anyone. My mother asures me to keep going and I think she does that because One, shes's an idiot, and two she simply dosen't know what else to do. It's such a waste this schooling. It will lead me nowhere and I'm such shit at it.
I am drunk and I think thats good because I feel that losens me up and it allows me to say what I'm afraid to. I know everyone thinks I'm a loser, a special fellow, an idiot. I am and I want to die so much. You say, go see a psychatrist. A good idea, but I doubt even talking to them will fix my biggest problem. I simply want to be accepted somewhere, by someone, I want people to actually like me. I want people to want me. No one wants me here and I feel I try to push that so very much. it's so strange, I have a problem where I try to sabatage things. I want people to hate me so I say things that I know will push that button, but at the same time I want people to actually like me. I'm so fucked up(Evangelion refrence).
I could talk to a doctor about this, but they wont help the fundemetnal problem that I'm just so broken and mentally ill. You know I tired to tell my mother that, but she refused to belive me. She thought me maybe just a bit angsty and spoiled, but not mentally ill. Idk. Is she an idiot, someone who loves me too much, or someone who refuses to belive she failed that much, or someone who just dosen't want to belive her son is a psycho, but I am. I lack the ability to feel empathic to people.
But I'm so sad. Even now when I've hit the peak of people caring about me and actually liking me thanks to work, I've attempted to sbatage it and the feelings of love esxape me. I just want to be loved so much. I just want to touch a female so much. You people think me some terrible monster mothbreather, but I just want someone to actually want me and I don't know how to make that so. I don't know what to do and I feel that I'm too late. Even if a girl wanted me I'd scare them away because fuck I have no experince with them, I don't know how to treat them, I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to respond. I'd be a freak and no girl would want that. I missed several life learning experinces and my development is so stalled that I think I'm pretty much fucked beyond repair.
I am so ready to die. I have to do so much in order to be diserable to anyone. I need to change my body, change my personality, change well me. It all feels very insurmountable and I don't know how to do it. it all feels very much like the cards where stacked against me. and in the end I still feel like I wont be anything worthwhile. My body is shit, my personality has too many imperfecitons and so on. It's like why wouldnt I just be better off kiling myslef? As I get older, I lose less time obviously and wont be able to change anything. Hell I'd scare anyone away once they actually get to know the real me.
It's so shitty being a mixed person. What is their to be comfortable about? What is thier to be accepted in? I feel like in the end my upbringing failed me so much. You all think I'm a racist and I probably am. It's not that I dislike black people, it's just well god damnt every day my sterotype about them is confimrned. Every day I meet a ratchet black person. An ignorant one. A whatever. it's toxic and I'm stupid for thinking it, but I mean everyday. I go to the movies? Who's being loud? Who seems lazy and ignorant at work? Who tries to steal from my place of employment? Who tends to dress like a thug? I feel so bad when I automaticly assume this black male dressed with his shorts sagging and in a long white shirt is probablly trying to fraud target when he tries to buy a PS4, but more than 50% of the time thats what happens. It's that image, that fake overly generlized steortype that i've grown up that I don't want to be a part of. And since I don't look black I can not be a part of it.
Black kids use to always say I acted white? Why? Because I did'nt like basketball and other shallow things.
But white people are the first to notice that you aren't quite white. i've never felt comfortable around all white groups. Hell, I have maybe one white friend and he considers himself "grey". All my friends are black, asian, or mexican. nothing but minorties.Which is the only thing I feel comfrotable idtenifying with, minority. A more definite statement is a no. Thats so terrible, growing up feeling like you belong to no group, no culture, no nothing. Maybe you'd think that would help develop a strong person, but it did'nt it just made me weaker as I never turly felt like I belonged anywhere.
You make fun of me for my obbsession over GAF, but at some point I felt like I belonged there. people thought I was an idiot, thought I had bad taste even if they did'nt know what my taste was, but the point was people knew me and so at least I felt like I was something. I felt happy when people regardless of ill or good actually rememberd something about me. Of course, I got kicked out and it's hurt me since. Yes, I get how pathetic that is, but I'm a pathetic person.
Which I don't see getting that much better. I'm so impossbily lonley. Sure I have friends, but friends don't subsitiute for that inante sexual belononing you desire from people. yes, i could pay a hooker for a blowjob or sex. yes, that would relive me wanting to blow off some steam(bennet!) but it wont satisfy other feelings. And no chick would want a person who makes post like this and I'm obiously putting too much emphais and hope on a supoosed relationship. it's just a vicious cycle whose outcome won't be good for anyone. I'm so afraid that even if I were to find myself in a relationsip it would screw itself thanks to my direct or indirect actions that I would take it so hard and come out worse. I'm so afraid that I wont be able to even get that far.
But I simply desire human contact so much and not the fake kind you find. I havent had it ever and thats such a bad premise. Can you imagine being 25 and being denined probably thanks to yourself human wanting. it's so sicking and only makes me feel worse about myself. I want to die so much. I just hate myself so much. I hate what I've beomce and will become, because it's not going to get better. I'm never going to become self sufficent, because fuck my college education is a waste and I'm not good at anything. I'm an idiot. I just want to die. It's all I want, but I'm afraid to even do that.
Yes, go talk to a psyhcatist. A psychatrist is'nt going to love me and actually want me in a sexual way. Thats creepy. I just wish so much I wasn't borne the way I was. I hate everything about my so much and you cant fix that.
