I've been hesitant to post this on here because I'd rather not be judged harshly by the bore. I am in therapy these days and it's been helpful, but well my doctor is on vacation for the Holiday, so I've been without an outlet and it's really sucked.
I've already talked about my first girlfriend on here and how it "ended". Well it didn't end. It well got pretty shitty months ago and then kind of rebooted.
I make no excuses about myself. I've got a problem and thats that I can get really angry and mad. Well what happen was that I was letting my insecurities get to me as I let something dumb really get to me in that it seemed she enjoyed the company of another dude over me. On XBL, it was dumb. But as I talked with my therapist it really was my fear of being replaced and it just festered so much. But as weeks went on and I tried to communicate that to her, because of whatever problems she was having on her end she wasn't having any of it. And well it exploded into a real heated argument where I said many mean things, meant to really hurt her. So much so that she felt I had had a psychotic break and threatened to get a restraining order. It may not make a diffrence, but I'm not a women beater. I've never laid a hand on her or threatened her life. But I was drunk and beyond mad at her ignoring me and seemingly chose someone else. It wasn't a good look and I felt terrible. I'm sure the bore will judge me as a psycho, but I'm not.
Either way a couple of days later she messaged me and well..we kind of rebooted. We discused what happen and kind of moved on. It was weird, within a week we kind of got back to talking and well her messages became super sexual. Lots of sex talk, sending pictures, and general things she had never done. She said she felt she needed to do this I guess to help the long distance relationship. I don't know it was weird.
And for months thats what it was. XBL playing, talking on the phone, and plenty of sexting. We talked about continuing and repairing things and about how much we cared about each other. I continued to work on myself and try to understand my insecurities, be more open with my problems, and just be a better person.
And things have been goodish...Some arguments, mostly about being open in communication and spending time but nothing earth shattering.
And then she came back for the holiday and things were seemingly ok. We've spent plenty of days together and have had plenty of sex. Saw Star Wars together. Spent NYE together. She's slept over. Things are ok...
But lots of things and thoughts are going on in my head and I feel like I guess sharing.
She went back to work at Target while she was here. I visited her(I don't work there) on Xmas EVE. You may not believe me, but I was pretty well liked at work. I have plenty of people I'm friendly with and I left the job there on good terms. Well when I went to talk to her, the head AP guy awkwardly came up to us and got in between her and me. So I decided to leave and he followed me out telling me to leave the workers alone as I don't work there. Well he awkwardly approached me once before a couple of months back when I was talking to a female worker. Well turns out my "gf" had confined in another worker about what had happen back during ground zero. And I guess the worker felt the need to tell AP. And now I guess to this AP guy I am a women beater/problem. I have never been a criminal and yeah this kind of shook me and I talked to my "gf" about it and she did'nt really care. She was mad that I seemed to be blaming her for it and that this was my fault and she had no interest in telling AP otherwise. I didnt really know what to think about this and I dropped it.
Our relationship is in a weird place as I start to really think about what I want. I recently had my good friend brought me and because he is in a sad co-dependent realtionship with a girl 10 years older then him, she had to come too. It was fine, but it was clear to me from watching them that I did'nt want that. She seemed to have no personality beyond being my friends GF. No spunk, attitudue. Just there and just a GF. I watch another of my friends do nothing put post relationship Facebook posts and snapchats with his gf. He has no life outside of her and has dropped his friends basicly. I don't want that. Relationships outside of romantic ones are important to me.
But at the same time I feel like my "gf" is ashamed of me and I'm just a shadow. I know a lot of these things are just in my head, but bear with me. She is a girl who loves FB and is really active on it and does not acknowledge me on there. She will not post pictures of us, won't let me post pictures of us, wont make status of us(she took a picture of the empty Star wars theater we were at to post pictures, but didnt say she was with me, but made sure to say she was hanging out with her good male friend on NYD). When we play on XBL it's isolated. She has to make it appear offline and I can never play with her XBL friends(my fault, but also not a bad thing. We need our separate things). She seems to have basicly not argued the negative impression her friends, family, and employers have of me. Again my fault, and I guess she has argued for me with her mom as shes freely seen me plenty of times this season.
Again, she has explain to me that a lot of this is result of the sexual abuse she sufferd. From what I can understand, I guess her abuse was tied to people also not listening to her and claiming she was a whore and wanted it as well. Then there was the whole quid pro thing she had during her college job and I guess it's just she feels like being in a relationship and having sex with somone is something wrong and to be ashamed of. So she has to fight that.
And I get it, but I also don't know what I want. Maybe it's ego, but I want to celebrate my relationship, not hide it. I want to do what normal people in love do. Maybe I'm shallow. I also feel though that many times she paints me as the bad person and doesnt really want to listen to what I'm trying to say.
I also still have a lot of insecurities. I actually have gotten better. I feel better about myself in general. I feel more calm about me and self assured.
But..I feel insecure as an romantic partner. I still have an ejaculation issue and a porn addiction. I feel like I'm unable to satisfy her even though she claims I can an do. I still feel insecure about her playing with her Cod friends( i guess her metting the dude was a lie), but I try to just do whatever and realize that it's been acknowledged, but it's nothing.
I don't know. With her here and all thats happen, I've had a lot of thoughts and questions on my mind. I enjoy her company a lot, but I don't know what I want I guess and I really can't figure out what to do.
