C’mon, man. The problem is with you. You resign yourself to being an object of pity. You hate where you live, but you hate the idea of change more. You identify as lonely, alien, and miserable and it bleeds through the subtext of nearly every single message that you send. Otherness has become such a deeply ingrained part of your identity that to strip yourself of it would mean threatening your entire sense of self. The only thing that girl got out of your exchange was “I have projected all desires of wholeness onto you.” You should be happy with yourself for going out of your comfort zone, but I think you know it’s not time to emotionally involve yourself with anyone yet.
The good news is that there are real and discrete steps you can take to better yourself now. Just about everyone has already told you what to do. The question is how much more you’re willing to tolerate before you realize why you keep resisting. Will it be when your job finally breaks you? When you’ve completely exhausted the dating pool? Or how about when you’ve allowed another decade to slip by stuck in the same holding pattern? You need to wrest control of your life right now and change it on your terms. Not when necessity demands it.
Casual dating and sex right now is fine and good, but pursuit of a significant other should absolutely not be your priority. If you manage to find someone you really like and attach to them as is, there’s little hope of it being anything other than a codependent mess. In that case, you’ll either settle for stifling mediocrity or find yourself back in the exact same position with the same pressure and stigma you feel right now but magnified by orders of magnitude. I think you’re a good guy with a lot to offer your future partner -- I wouldn’t have bothered otherwise -- but I also wouldn’t take any bets on your next relationship being some kind of outlier.
I understand that you feel behind the curve, but fixating on that hasn’t gotten you anywhere. You have to commit yourself to playing the long game -- there is no shame in taking the time to become the partner that you’d want to have. Harnessing the kind of self-awareness and introspection that constant self-improvement requires, and which you are fully capable of, will put you miles ahead of most. These are the first three things you need to do if you haven’t already:
1. Go to therapy. Now. I don’t care if this didn’t work for you before. Find a different one and take it seriously.
2. Get your depression and anxiety treated if you aren’t already. Same thing applies, and I don’t give a fuck about your apprehensions about SSRIs. Keep trying until you find one that works. No excuses.
3. Pose yourself the question “And go where, exactly?” in earnest. Work through it in therapy if you have to. Have someone help keep you accountable for maintaining clear goals and a vision of the future. Resist your cynical impulses and break out of your fucking cycle of self-defeat. Hell, PM me if you need to.
You will find a job that doesn’t sap you of your will to live. You will find a place that reflects your values and which you’re proud to be a part. You will find a social group that accepts you and recognizes your worth. You will become the man you want to be and find the partner you’ve always longed for. But only in that order, and only if you commit to change.
