Ok, so I've always wanted to go to a sex party. Figured "Hey, the 15th is the day after Valentines, no doubt there's gonna be a few good parties around. Maybe now is the time." Oh ho ho ho my fellow borians. Let me catalog for you how wrong I was.
First, we find a place that's been in the area. It had some ok reviews, but apparently they just moved locations. "No big deal" I thought. So we RSVP and pay our entry fee. They tell us they'll send us address the day of. No worries. The day comes and we get an address. As we get ready to go we look it up, in the industrial part of town. First red flag.
We go anyway. It's a bunch of autoshops. but one looks all done up. We raise eyebrows and go in. We are greeted by a bouncer who looks several inches too short for his suit, I mean I could take the guy. We present Id and go in. The first room is tiny just a few chairs and an inflatable bed set up in a corner for "play". The books on the shelves included such titles as:
OK, first room is not great. Second room, possibly smaller than the first. 2/3rds of it is taken up by one of these tents with another inflatable mattress:
Next to the tent was what can best be described as a filipino version of grandpa simpson playing with attachments to a sybian he brought along. Second room, worse than the first. Go into the last room, which was essentially the auto shop work floor with some dance tiles and lighting and two BDSM crosses. There was small fire with a circle of people, the only people in the room. OK, we join in. Everyone introduces themselves and then they just go silent. After a while someone decides that we should go in a circle and talk about our kinks. I was like "Nope" and went and got us some drinks. Then one guy, we'll call him JC (because that's his name) takes off his shirt and says "Hey if any bi guys here wanna have a go, I'm up for that." In the most socially awkward way possible. Then he starts sucking on his gf's tit, who is this blob of a woman. Now don't get me wrong, both my wife and gf are BBWs, but this was a blob of a woman. She didn't do her hair, she was wearing a man's oversized plain tshirt which was dirty and man's shorts. It was like she hadn't showered in 2 days and just showed up and thought "that's sexy enough". The girl didn't respond to having her tit sucked at all, she just kept talking like nothing was happening, like a community cow or something.
After a minute or two JC is like "I always wanted to try one of those BDSM crosses things and get flogged. Anyone wanna flog me?" Another, equally creepy bi guy was like "sure!" as they walk up to the cross and are like "How do we work these."
Immediately all of us that had experience in BDSM were like
Flogging isn't a thing to go into with both parties having no experience. It was going to be a disaster. One of the more experienced couples ran up and tried to talk them out of it, but they were like "Nah we'll try it." So they show them some tips. It was still a disaster, but luckily instead of having to cart a guy off because he got flogged too hard in the kidneys it was more of disaster in that the most intense it got was
Some hot people walk in and see the whole fiasco going on and they were like "nope".
Eventually the whole thing ended. Thankfully the experienced couple decided to give everyone a show of how it's done. And that was actually hot. God that woman could take a beating. Then after that they come back and she undoes all that by starting to talk about the Corona virus, infectious diseases, the flu epidemic of 1912 (I had to correct her it was 1918) and then she started talking about rabies. That caused the room to clear most people would rather be cramped up in a small room than hear that.
Oh! And I forgot to mention there was no dj just a sound system that any guest could come in and use with bluetooth. Initially someone took over and put on some silly cabaret music which was terrible, then it was switched to a not so bad playlist. Finally we decide to make our own magic happen and start making out on the couch. the lady that set the playlist to play from her phone had left the room a few minutes earlier and finally the bluetooth started to lose the signal so we were there making out to a stuttering soundtrack as the bluetooth lost and regained connectivity. After a while apparently some redneck was like "Let's fix this music!"
Then as I'm trying to make something sexy happen this starts blasting through the speakers:
After I finally finished laughing I was like "Nope. I'm done. I'm soooooooo done." And we left and got some taco bell (which was the sexiest moment of the night).
There was more but good god. Never again. That was least sexy thing I have ever endured, and I was a mormon for 30 years.
