Author Topic: Depression/mental health thread  (Read 147495 times)

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team filler

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #780 on: September 22, 2022, 09:32:46 PM »
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« Last Edit: October 12, 2022, 12:09:43 AM by team filler »
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Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #781 on: September 22, 2022, 09:35:35 PM »
Too much of me wishes Putin would set off a few nukes so I could feel

Sounds like you need God. :)
IYKYK

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #782 on: September 22, 2022, 10:18:09 PM »
My friend told me she was extremely depressed and suicidal. She said the only reason she hadnt killed herself was that she was a coward. She said she had nothing to live for.

I suggested she get pregnant to have something to look forward to.

She said she was muting me.

Im not good a this :fbm
send her my way  :rash

Oh man I completely forgot about that she's still alive so mission accomplished
:O

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #783 on: September 22, 2022, 10:18:42 PM »
Too much of me wishes Putin would set off a few nukes so I could feel

Sounds like you need God. :)

If I kill thousands of people will God honor me with virgins that does sound nice
:O

team filler

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #784 on: September 23, 2022, 02:47:23 AM »
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« Last Edit: October 12, 2022, 12:09:22 AM by team filler »
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Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #785 on: September 23, 2022, 05:56:15 AM »
To be fair has anyone ever seen a depressed suicide bomber :trumps
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Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #786 on: September 23, 2022, 07:15:48 AM »
Too much of me wishes Putin would set off a few nukes so I could feel

Sounds like you need God. :)

If I kill thousands of people will God honor me with virgins that does sound nice

nah, you'd just go to hell. But if that sounds nice to you :yeshrug
IYKYK

Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #787 on: September 23, 2022, 09:18:37 AM »
But what if he kills Putin  ???

- James defects to the Russian Federation
- Putin personally gives him his passport
- James detonates his Nintendo DS

:pika
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james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #788 on: September 23, 2022, 09:41:47 AM »
But what if he kills Putin  ???

- James defects to the Russian Federation
- Putin personally gives him his passport
- James detonates his Nintendo DS

:pika

Has to be the 3ds as this entire conservation is about minecraft
:O

Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #789 on: September 23, 2022, 01:49:05 PM »
yes obviously


Minecraft: New Nintendo 3DS Edition can only be played on the New Nintendo 3DS series
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Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #790 on: September 30, 2022, 07:48:19 PM »
Well I've made myself sick from the stress and anxiety of being on the phone half a day every day trying to get my iron infusions. Finally now after 6 weeks was told it was denied by my insurance, started looking at the costs of doing it cash without insurance, but then was told if I do new labs today maybe next week insurance would approve. Did a labs, but just been an exhausting mess.

Meanwhile I've been putting off my covid booster until I get my iron levels back since there's a decent amount of literature from the last couple of years that iron deficiency anemia greatly reduces the effectiveness of the covid vaccines.

Was looking up how long it takes for my iron to get fixed after I finally get the infusions and it looks like about 3 weeks on average. So should probably wait until that point to get my booster.

So if I can finally get my first of two iron infusions in a week with or without insurance, maybe I'll get boosted in like a month.

Holding off on dating or traveling right now until I get boosted just for some extra precautions. So another 1.5 months or so of forever alone. Maybe will be able to do both of those mid-november or december.

Also have surgeries and follow ups for my chronic pain which need the iron to kick in first so basically October looks like it's gonna be hopefully getting some iron and then feeling it kick in after a week or so and then maybe by the end of the month having normal non-anemic iron levels and that's about it. With all the next health steps being in November.

Whatever, at this point 2022 was a lost cause. Worst year of my life easily. I can get just get my health back on track by the end of the year and have some covid protection, will put a lot of effort into making it up in 2023.

Nintex

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #791 on: September 30, 2022, 08:03:19 PM »
Well I've made myself sick from the stress and anxiety of being on the phone half a day every day trying to get my iron infusions. Finally now after 6 weeks was told it was denied by my insurance, started looking at the costs of doing it cash without insurance, but then was told if I do new labs today maybe next week insurance would approve. Did a labs, but just been an exhausting mess.

Meanwhile I've been putting off my covid booster until I get my iron levels back since there's a decent amount of literature from the last couple of years that iron deficiency anemia greatly reduces the effectiveness of the covid vaccines.

Was looking up how long it takes for my iron to get fixed after I finally get the infusions and it looks like about 3 weeks on average. So should probably wait until that point to get my booster.

So if I can finally get my first of two iron infusions in a week with or without insurance, maybe I'll get boosted in like a month.

Holding off on dating or traveling right now until I get boosted just for some extra precautions. So another 1.5 months or so of forever alone. Maybe will be able to do both of those mid-november or december.

Also have surgeries and follow ups for my chronic pain which need the iron to kick in first so basically October looks like it's gonna be hopefully getting some iron and then feeling it kick in after a week or so and then maybe by the end of the month having normal non-anemic iron levels and that's about it. With all the next health steps being in November.

Whatever, at this point 2022 was a lost cause. Worst year of my life easily. I can get just get my health back on track by the end of the year and have some covid protection, will put a lot of effort into making it up in 2023.

Sounds rough, hopefully you can get the iron issue figured out.

From people I've talked to that had the new COVID vaccine season pass, they all tell me the side effects were less severe than last time.
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Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #792 on: September 30, 2022, 11:31:29 PM »
Talking to therapist about my abandonment issues next week. It'll be hard communicating how I feel unloved or that I'm inherently unlovable. Well, I used to think that. Not anymore. But healing takes a while.
IYKYK

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #793 on: September 30, 2022, 11:33:21 PM »
Well I've made myself sick from the stress and anxiety of being on the phone half a day every day trying to get my iron infusions. Finally now after 6 weeks was told it was denied by my insurance, started looking at the costs of doing it cash without insurance, but then was told if I do new labs today maybe next week insurance would approve. Did a labs, but just been an exhausting mess.

Meanwhile I've been putting off my covid booster until I get my iron levels back since there's a decent amount of literature from the last couple of years that iron deficiency anemia greatly reduces the effectiveness of the covid vaccines.

Was looking up how long it takes for my iron to get fixed after I finally get the infusions and it looks like about 3 weeks on average. So should probably wait until that point to get my booster.

So if I can finally get my first of two iron infusions in a week with or without insurance, maybe I'll get boosted in like a month.

Holding off on dating or traveling right now until I get boosted just for some extra precautions. So another 1.5 months or so of forever alone. Maybe will be able to do both of those mid-november or december.

Also have surgeries and follow ups for my chronic pain which need the iron to kick in first so basically October looks like it's gonna be hopefully getting some iron and then feeling it kick in after a week or so and then maybe by the end of the month having normal non-anemic iron levels and that's about it. With all the next health steps being in November.

Whatever, at this point 2022 was a lost cause. Worst year of my life easily. I can get just get my health back on track by the end of the year and have some covid protection, will put a lot of effort into making it up in 2023.

Sounds miserable. Stay strong and hang on.
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #794 on: October 13, 2022, 08:55:45 PM »
And two weeks later, still don't have anything and debated today whether to go to the ER or try to hold out longer because so light-headed and light dizziness + headaches and heavy fatigue. Anemia stuff is kind of all over the place on when you need to go to the hospital, mostly when shortness of breath and irregular heartbeats. I'm generally ok on breathing still and using a finger pulse thing my pulse jumps around between 80-91 but that seems normal range especially considering the heavy stress and anxiety I've got going.

Let's see, here are all the medical fuckups in the last year for me:

Nov 21 - Started noticing Hemglobin starting to fall (men should be 13.2-16.6 or higher), started going under 13 and into the 12 range, doc says "nothing concerning"

Dec 21 -> May 22 (6 months) -> doc continues to say nothing concerning, but one of my other docs is concerned and orders and iron test, which shows my ferritin levels of iron are at like 11 and anything under 10 is considered pretty serious you need iron infused. Still at these levels in May 2022 I'm definitely considered to have mild Iron Deficiency Anemia and I'm at the point where an insurance would allow iron infusions and doctors would recommend them. Yet no doctor tells me this.

May 22/June 22/July 22 - Doc is busy and I'm in the middle of surgery and recovery and this gets sidetracked.

August 22 - Doc sees iron levels and goes - yeah, you should get iron infused, but don't worry if it takes some time getting through your insurance and setup, it's not dangerous.

August 19th-Sept 12th - Takes 3 fucking weeks to get the doctor note to my infusion doctor and them to submit the prescription order.

Sept 12th - Sept 27th - Take 2 fucking weeks for my infusion doctor's corporate office to approve the infusion and send it to my insurance

Sept 29th - Insurance denies it stating my 4.1 week old labs are too old and labs must be within the last 4 weeks showing anemia. I say ok, fuck this I will pay cash, I need these iron infusions done. But the infusion doctor's nurse says if I just go and get new labs it should go through the insurance on the 2nd try so I should do that first. I rush out and do new labs which now show ferritin lvl is down to 3.

October 5th - the infusion doctor auth person finally re-sends it with new labs.

October 7th - Insurance denies it a second time saying you have to state that you've tried oral iron supplements for 4 weeks and it hasn't work or you don't tolerate it. (I've tried oral iron and it doesn't work).

October 10th - Infusion doctor says because it's been denied twice needs to go through longer appeals process so faster to do a peer to peer call and provide the additional information about the 4 weeks of oral iron. Calls the peer 2 peer number and leaves detailed message. P2P says not to leave multiple messages.

October 12th - Insurance peer 2 peer hasn't called back, doctor leaves another message.

October 13th - Insurance peer 2 peer coordinate calls infusion doctor coordinator as says "we don't have the latest labs and doctors notes. Please fax them and I'll send them to the insurance clinical reviewer and they will call to set up a peer 2 peer call with the infusion doctor.

Meanwhile I'm getting weaker and weaker in fatigue and symptoms every week/day.

Finally today Oct 13th - I call the nurse and say I'm falling apart and on the fence of going to ER which will fuck me over of the dozens of thousands of dollars I'm sure, so it'll be cheaper to just pay cash and do it at your office. While the doc is trying to get the insurance to talk to them can we at least do a backup cash payment version so I can get on schedule instead of having to go through hoops in another week if the insurance says no.

And they get the cash discount payment amount and it's...not that much. Like I was expecting thousands of dollars, but it's like $1k and I'm like dude if I knew it was going to cost 1k I would have done this weeks ago. So we go ahead and set it up for mid next week.

So either the peer 2 peer happens and it gets insurance approved and covered and I do it next week, or I just pay $1k and do it anyhow and I can try to fight the insurance after for reimbursement because it really should be covered.

So now I just have to try to survive about a week without dying or doing so bad I need to go to the ER and get iron infused. Fingers crossed I can make it.


----
Separately on top of all this, I get my main crohn's diseases immune-suppressant drug every 6 weeks for the last 13 years. My next infusion is scheduled for Tue Oct 11th and they call me last week on my birthday on Thursday Oct 6th and go "uhhh, we wanna save $$$ so we're changing everyone on this med to a biosimilar" and I'm like "yeah, let me check with my doctor to see if this is safe/practical" and after spending my entire birthday on the phone with docs and researching this stuff I get back to them on Friday and say "ok, fine, let's do this" and they go "ok, you should be fine for your Tuesday infusion"

Monday at like 4pm - They call and say "were cancelling your infusion tomorrow because we didn't have time to get authorization from your insurance for this new medication (even though I have authorization for the original and this is a biosimilar of it), we're asap on this and will have this in a day or two and you can do your infusion, check back on Wednesday

Wednesday afternoon - authorization person at my infusion doctor "uhh, we are on top of this and should have it by tomorrow, check then"

Thursday afternoon (today) - authorization person at my infusion doc "oh, because this new medication which WE FORCED YOU TO CHANGE TO 4 DAYS BEFORE YOUR NEXT INFUSION is a new mediation it has to go through a 1-2 week internal review and approval at our corporate. It just cleared that today, we'll get it to your insurance this afternoon and maybe we'll have approval tomorrow afternoon"

So...if they actually got it over this afternoon and if my insurance actually approves it, may be able to order it monday and do this infusion next tuesday which is 1 week late. All because they changed the medication on their own (and fwiw looking up biosimilars it seems like there's a 1/11 chance of the meds to stop working when changing to a biosimilar -_-, but my doc said every hospital/infusion place has switched to a biosimilar so there's no where I can even stay on my existing infusion med anymore so gotta go to a biosimilar which he said he's very comfortable with since most of the time people have no issues switching).


Anyhow, it's likely that like 50% of my symptoms are coming from the stress and anxiety of dealing with this every day which is exasperating my iron defiency anemia. I've barely been working and life has been total shit for a while. My main doc has fucked up by not even investigating my iron levels after 6 months of dropping red blood cells and then taking 3 weeks to even get an iron infusion order to my infusion doctor, my infusion doctor has fucked up by not submitting the right paperwork twice and lagging every step of the way and having a 2 week internal review delay before even submitting it to my insurance and my insurance has fucked up by not getting back on the peer 2 peer to resolve the issue. Just the american health system at work.


Out of all my doctors, the only doctor I have that is actually responsive and awesome at getting things done, where I call and actually get a real person who can do things and I can squeeze in and see my doc on pretty short notice, is my one doctor who is out of networks and doesn't take insurance and costs me like $300 out of pocket every time I see him for a 10 min follow up. Which sucks, but it's also ironic in that when you're not jumping through all the insurance hoops and just paying real money, you actually get good service and people treat you well and things move quick.

Reminds me of one time a few years ago I had a throat bleeding issue and none of the main hospital doctors could figure it out and then the above guy recommended some hot shot throat guy that works with voice actors and it was $800 cash for an appointment, but I was doing really bad and could barely talk, and I saw him for like 30 mins and he figured it out and the ironic thing being there was nothing to actually be done, a polyp on my vocal chord had naturally torn off on its own and the wound had become infected, but it had cleared on its own and it was just at the final stages of scabbing up and healing on its own. But was nice to actually find out what happened.





Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #795 on: October 13, 2022, 08:57:27 PM »
Anyhow, tldr I should have both my crohn's meds and the iron infusion next week. So just gotta make it through this anemia for another week and then things should start to improve (although I read the first two weeks of an iron infusion can feel like the flu for 2 weeks straight while your body diverts everything to focus on converting the iron, but then should feel a lot better coming out of it and it shouldn't be dangerous, just shitty feeling).

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #796 on: October 13, 2022, 09:28:33 PM »
I will pray for you daily Bebpo. I love you. Keep us updated.
IYKYK

Tasty

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #797 on: October 13, 2022, 10:04:17 PM »
That sounds absolutely awful man. I really hope they get their shit together soon, this would be comical if it wasn't so frustrating. Honestly you should email your post to everyone involved just to spell it out, because that's fucking ridiculous.

Hope you feel better quickly. 🫂

benjipwns

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #798 on: October 14, 2022, 12:51:17 AM »
Finally today Oct 13th - I call the nurse and say I'm falling apart and on the fence of going to ER which will fuck me over of the dozens of thousands of dollars I'm sure, so it'll be cheaper to just pay cash and do it at your office. While the doc is trying to get the insurance to talk to them can we at least do a backup cash payment version so I can get on schedule instead of having to go through hoops in another week if the insurance says no.

And they get the cash discount payment amount and it's...not that much. Like I was expecting thousands of dollars, but it's like $1k and I'm like dude if I knew it was going to cost 1k I would have done this weeks ago. So we go ahead and set it up for mid next week.

...

Out of all my doctors, the only doctor I have that is actually responsive and awesome at getting things done, where I call and actually get a real person who can do things and I can squeeze in and see my doc on pretty short notice, is my one doctor who is out of networks and doesn't take insurance and costs me like $300 out of pocket every time I see him for a 10 min follow up. Which sucks, but it's also ironic in that when you're not jumping through all the insurance hoops and just paying real money, you actually get good service and people treat you well and things move quick.
I think I posted a long time ago in this thread about discovering this personally when I had insurance gaps or stuff just not covered and I think it remains good advice for mental health stuff too, talk to doctors about just paying cash. What insurance gets charged creates an illusion that lots of these services would cost you a lot but... they don't. Especially if it's routine care and not something you need that often. Although even with stuff like prescriptions some of the discount cards (which are free) can make those super cheap too. When you can get a months supply of something for like $3, sometimes a co-pay can be more than this and your insurance might pay like $15 or more for it, it's nuts. :lol

Insurance companies, Medicare, etc. sign all these deals so they can just stamp through as much stuff as possible and nobody cares what it actually costs. Meanwhile, they'll get super anal about $100 over some $5000 procedure or something. My grandma broke her hip and they paid like $400 for some blankets or something at the hospital and were fighting with the hospital over the edges of some expensive charge in the actual surgery which delayed some other stuff and whether or not they'd pay for that (they did) until the came to agreement with the hospital.

Another good one is dentists since a lot of people don't get dental, if you aren't actually having serious problems with your teeth and just need a cleaning every six-months, it can be like $150 cash. Preventive care is important too!

And like you said, sometimes you don't even want to involve insurance you have because it's quicker and easier, I go in and out and pay online while other people are there with the receptionist and somebody is on the phone with insurance forever or something. Not saying insurance is bad (catastrophic insurance seems particularly good to me) but sometimes it might do to pretend you don't have it if you do because turning insurance into pre-payment plans was a stupid idea. Lots of places will do payment plans and stuff too. Good doctors want to help people after all.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #799 on: October 14, 2022, 02:09:56 AM »
Bebpo, even a diet of salmon and spinach doesn't help with your iron levels? It doesn't absorb at all?
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #800 on: October 14, 2022, 02:14:01 AM »
Bebpo, even a diet of salmon and spinach doesn't help with your iron levels? It doesn't absorb at all?

Nah, I've been on a iron-rich diet for months. At best it's slowed down the iron loss. Idk. Will try to figure out the source of what's causing the iron loss next. My doctor thinks it might be a thyroid issue. Or it could be small bowel bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) which eats iron before you can absorb it. Or it might be from long-term use of PPI (proton pump inhibitors for acid reflux) or it could just be a long-term of having IBD/Crohn's and changes in ability to absorb iron. Because there's multiple possibilities (and could be something completely else), need to do various tests and stuff once I get my iron levels back to normal.

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #801 on: October 14, 2022, 07:15:50 PM »
And after my long vent yesterday and almost two full months of all my time spent on trying to get my iron going, both my iron and my crohn's meds got approved today so I will be doing both next week and can get started on my iron/red blood cells/anemia fixing.

I guess the trick to to vent.

Definitely a stress relief. Hopefully the side effects on the new meds are minimal and I start feeling a lot better in a couple of weeks.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #802 on: October 14, 2022, 07:19:14 PM »
I'm glad!
IYKYK

Tasty

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #803 on: October 14, 2022, 07:28:03 PM »
Speak, and sometimes the Universe will listen.

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #804 on: October 14, 2022, 07:35:55 PM »
Thanks for all the support  :heart

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #805 on: October 23, 2022, 08:37:46 PM »
So I got my meds this week. Did surprisingly fine/better on my crohn's med with the new biosimilar since it normally throughs my GI out of whack for a few days, but this time on the biosimilar had basically no side effects.

Got the Iron on Thursday and around Friday night started feeling the side effects like getting a flu shot/covid vaccine and felt like pretty under the weather. Saturday was mostly the same and then I had an anxiety attack/depression day for the back half because about a week ago I noticed a bump on a lymph node above my collarbone on the right side and I looked it up and it said if you're over 40, any swelling of the supraclavicular lymph nodes is 90% chance of cancer because normally nothing should be swelling them and the right side drains esophagus and lungs so if it is cancer you're fucked. Anyhow I noticed it was still kinda swollen and a bit hard yesterday about 8 days later and had anxiety attack while also under the weather from the iron.

I was super depressed this morning because of all that, but I got past it and today I thankfully didn't feel under the weather from the iron and I actually felt pretty good, so I did some self-affirmations and went out hiking for the day to get out and change mindset and it was really nice. Feeling a lot better.

If my lymph node doesn't clear up in another couple of weeks I'll see my ENT but not gonna worry about it. I think the most likely explanation is that when I'm at my computer sometimes I tend to rest my left hand on the bottom of my throat/collarbone on that right side and with all the stress and anxiety I've been dealing with, I think I was probably rubbing the skin and the minor swelling of that lymph node is just from irritating it. I checked today and if I'm not like PRESSING HARD into my muscles to feel for it, I can't feel it, so I don't think it's materially swollen. It's just annoying that those nodes literally have a 90% cancer rate at over 40 and I'm ...41 :|  Also I've never noticed those lymph nodes at the bottom of my throat/above the collar before so it spooked me a bit. Plus the whole Iron Defeciency Anemia thing, which apparently most if most doctors see IDA with no apparent cause they start searching for cancer in the body causing internal bleeding somewhere. But Crohn's Disease can also cause IDA from inflammation not allowing decent iron absorption, and I have CD, so it's likely that, but still just something to keep an eye on, but gonna try not to stress on it.

Anyhow, looking forward to feeling better, getting my covid booster and getting back to dating. Ready to settle down in the near future. Never know how much time you've got left!

Transhuman

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #806 on: October 24, 2022, 02:17:46 AM »
Thinking of giving up veganism just to see if my complete apathy is a symptom or not. I wasn't exactly a bundle of joy before but at least I spoke to people, left my house, and felt emotions.

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #807 on: October 24, 2022, 02:27:30 AM »
Why half-measures? Try eating other people and see if your energy level changes.

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #808 on: October 24, 2022, 11:19:16 PM »
Therapist and I have been working on trust lately. This was a very good lecture on it. One part talks about how a wounded inner child will change themselves to be accepted by others, a sort of chameleon. Sound familiar?



I really, really want to be able to trust people. All of my relationships are tied to the fact I don't trust anyone or anything. It's really deflating and isolating. I always assume someone has some hidden agenda and I'm sick of second guessing every person and every thing in my life some sort of Sherlock Holmes.

I have to say that this doctors youtube channel is fantastic. So many great videos on things I suffer from.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2022, 12:08:26 AM by Himu »
IYKYK

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #809 on: October 25, 2022, 01:48:59 AM »
.
:O

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #810 on: October 26, 2022, 05:41:29 PM »
Today's therapy sesh was :delicious

Therapist told me,"you've made so much progress in such a short time span. I'm proud of you!"

Really good session. :)
IYKYK

james

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #811 on: October 26, 2022, 05:50:26 PM »
Today's therapy sesh was :delicious

Therapist told me,"you've made so much progress in such a short time span. I'm proud of you!"

Really good session. :)

Seems like the bore has really helped you out
:O

Himu

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #812 on: October 26, 2022, 07:07:06 PM »
Nah, you're all cunts. Well, most of you.
IYKYK

Bebpo

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #813 on: January 16, 2023, 11:57:57 PM »
Anyhow, I never really followed up from October.

The lumps on my neck never went away (not sure if I mentioned at the time but initially it was 1 lump and at some point it become 2 with the second one by its side being smaller) and it took me 1.5 months to get into my ENT to get them checked out for cancer. Then my ENT said "actually I'm not that kind of ENT" and said eh, I don't think they're cancerous lymph node lumps but it's not really my field and just to be safe I'll refer you to the right NECK ENT ...whose first available was another 2 months out (USA USA USA health system). I even got on the waitlist and everything in case people cancelled to no avail. The doc did say "well sometimes your body can just freak out and your lymph nodes get messed up and larger for no reason and there's nothing wrong"

Finally have my appointment on Monday. The lumps haven't really gotten any bigger since at least November or so. They'll be able to do an ultrasound of them in the appointment apparently and they'll be doing a vocal chord scope because if it's cancer, apparently getting bumps on the side of your neck most likely means vocal chords or thyroid. Both which if you catch them early enough apparently have pretty good survival rates though they also grow faster than other types of cancer.

Still been pretty anxious. My Gastrologist wanted me to check my Thyroid at some point because he thought it's one of the things that could have caused my iron deficiency anemia, and on the vocal chords, I did have a non-cancerous polyp on my vocal chords for years which would basically cause me to lose/cut out my voice if I talked too much in a day and would even bleed a bit when it did (which made work hard and I had to try to limit my calls per day). In 2018 or 2019 it suddenly tore off and vanished leaving a wound on my vocal chords which was horrible and I thought I was gonna die for a month or two while trying to get it diagnosed why I was coughing up blood from my vocal chords and felt tons of raw pain. But when I finally saw an expert they said the worst was over and it was pretty much healed up and other than some slight scarring everything looked fine. And it's true that I stopped having my voice cut out and I haven't had any bleeding from my vocal chords since. So I haven't had the area looked at since then. Also because I've been work from home since the pandemic I usually talk out loud less than 1 hour a day so I don't use my vocal chords that much so wouldn't notice if there's any issues that restarted.

I'm pretty sure this all has to do with having horrible GERD/acid reflux for decades and regular flare ups of weeks of acid burning and damaging my throat and vocal chords over time.

Just mentioning that because it does worry me that it could be a vocal chord thing again since I have a history of a non-cancerous polyp forming on them. Plus having GERD like I do doubles the chance of throat cancers in a lifetime.

I'll see on Monday.

My anxiety about this has been making me feel like I can't enjoy much because I'm worried I may not have a lot of time left and everything feels like a waste of time. It's causing me to re-examine my wants and start thinking about if I knew I was going to die in 6 months or 2 years, what would I do with my life?

Would getting in a relationship with one loving person be all I need? Probably not.
Would running around having sex with lots of people in short term flings make me happy as I go towards the end? Probably not. Fun for a bit but that's about it.
Would playing games feel like a waste of time? Probably.
Same with all other types of media.
But would creating some work of art to leave behind to the world make me happy and fulfilled? Not really.
Would traveling around the world seeing different cultures and eating different foods be enough? It'd be fun but would probably feel like wasting time that's left.

So I came to the realization that I think....nothing would make me happy and ok going towards my final amount of time. Which if you extrapolate that out further, even if I get lucky and don't have cancer, there's still only x amount of years left.

I guess this means at 41 going on 42 I've hit my midlife crises officially. I just have no idea what I want to do with my life to be fulfilled and satisfied with the time I have left.

Also I'm on schedule to have an experimental (but not dangerous) surgery the week after which may fix my chronic pain issues, but could also make things worse or do nothing. And the recovery will take a few weeks. So the next few weeks are a lot of nervousness of figure out if I have cancer or something going wrong, and having a surgery and seeing how things go. Definitely a reason games aren't doing much for me atm.

Will be in a different place for better or worse a month from now and can start to make some life planning/choices about what I want to do next. For now just trying not to stress about these next two weeks too much. A good friend once told me "if you can't do anything about it, don't waste time thinking or worrying about it" to which I am generally trying outside venting.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2023, 12:02:14 AM by Bebpo »

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #814 on: January 17, 2023, 12:08:53 AM »
Oh and I also got what seems like tendonitis in my achilles tendon a week or two ago from my daily jogging warm ups before working out and maybe from some jumping I do. I let it rest but it flared up again next time I jogged to warm up. The next morning after these workouts the back of my heel hurts every step I walk. It had mostly calmed down and then I didn't even jog but went on a 30 min walk and after like 5 mins every step hurt and then yeah the next day it's hurting again.

From what I'm reading I just gotta not go on walks/jog/jump for a week or two and really let it heal up fully while doing heel stretches and icing if  it's hurting. So I'm doing that. I love walking and usually walk miles every day when it's not raining so not being able to walk is a bummer.

But apparently if you keep flaring it up it can become chronic, so going to give it time to really rest and heal. But just another pain thing having to deal with while dealing with everything else which sucks.

chronovore

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #815 on: January 17, 2023, 12:47:25 AM »
Good luck and strength to you on encountering your midlife crisis. I met a guy who went through it at 30. He wasn't doing any of the  things he expected to be doing, and hadn't accomplished what he thought he'd do by that age.

I went through mine at 44. I went through a fairly extensive depression, then made some big changes and tried a few things. I'm still struggling with the larger question of meaning, but I'm grateful to still be trying to actively figure stuff out at 55 years old.

Kurt Vonnegut posits repeatedly in his speeches that the nature of "modern" life puts too much pressure on relationships. Every marriage is doomed if we expect that the spouse can fill the role of an entire community. Community is actually what humans are adapted around. We need different types of communication with different levels of intimacy. We probably even need people we don't like much, so we can focus outside ourselves.

A tribe's natural evolution was the neighborhood. But we moved away from knowing our neighbors and the people in our building or block, and instead focused on finding "the one" who can fulfill our needs.

It's impossible. We're not built that way.

The best option we have is to find our community, either through education, religion, group meetings around specific interests, or other activities.

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #816 on: January 17, 2023, 12:59:55 AM »
Yeah, I was thinking having a friend/family/relationship combo network is one of the most satisfying things.

Unfortunately since Covid I've been missing out on irl friend network. I probably need to work hard to try to re-establish that this spring.

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #817 on: January 18, 2023, 04:09:37 AM »
Bebpo, any updates?

I can't offer much besides prayer and hope. I pray everything is alright and it's not cancer.
IYKYK

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #818 on: January 20, 2023, 08:25:57 PM »
Had my AC guy out because my heat pump was having issues. Brand new AC/heat unit I put it on the roof in 2020 after my last one failed 10 years in (they're supposed to last 25 years).

Turns out my guy found some stuff in my 2.5 year old AC unit that he's never seen in his 20 years of 1,000s of AC units. Good chance it's mold since when the AC blows it's smelly/musty and leaving standing water out while the AC is blowing the water gets mildew smelling after 10 mins or so.

Basically I've been breathing in 24/7 some strain of mold for at least a year if not 2 years+. I've had tons and tons of health issues, some weird, some random since around spring 2021. Who knows if any of it could be related. I've been wanting to move since 2019, this sucks.

Even testing for mold is not...quick. Have to wait for the guy to come back next week and do the test, which then takes 48 hours and then if mold grows in the sample try it has to be mailed to a lab who figures out what kind of mold it is and then gives the results. So could be 1-2 weeks until we know. Then will know what the next step is. If it's not toxic/dangerous stuff he'll spray it with bleach and kill it and put in a UV light and expand the ducts for better airflow to prevent it coming back. If it's something bad, will have to call the major toxic removal people.

Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out if I have respitory cancer...smh

Even if I went and bought a house this weekend it'd be in escrow for a month and I wouldn't move that soon. Plus making a major life purchase like that on time pressure is bad. Plus about to go into surgery and surgery recovery.

I could go live in a hotel for a month until we figure out the mold. Or I just figure I've been breathing this shit in for 1-2 years, what difference will another month make.

I think running the heater may be safe. When I run the heater it doesn't smell or make my standing water smell funny. So I think the heat does kill the mold whatever it is. And it's not like I'm going to be running the AC until late spring. So I think it's probably ok to stay here and keep using the heater. Idk, it all sucks. I'm having a bad life right now. Can't even think about getting back to hobbies or making games or dating or making friends. Just busy trying to not die.

Bebpo, any updates?

I can't offer much besides prayer and hope. I pray everything is alright and it's not cancer.

Thanks, will know more after doc appoint on Monday.

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #819 on: January 20, 2023, 09:57:21 PM »
My recommendation: get a hotel. When my family had mold we had them killing it in the house for months and we temporarily lived with grandma and grandpa. It's either stay at a hotel or stay with your folks. Whatever it is, do it quick and do it now. Do not delay.

Thanks Bebpo. I will continue to pray. It's good we found out about the AC. Now let's make steps to making that better. One thing at a time.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2023, 02:11:22 AM by Himu »
IYKYK

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #820 on: January 21, 2023, 03:35:36 PM »
Putting an offer on a house. Coincidentally found a good one after two years of searching. Probably a bidding war though so who knows.

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #821 on: January 21, 2023, 05:29:55 PM »
Congratulations. I plan on getting a house this year myself.
IYKYK

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #822 on: January 23, 2023, 11:12:26 AM »
Keep us updated on your appointment today buddy.
IYKYK

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #823 on: January 23, 2023, 02:34:52 PM »
Keep us updated on your appointment today buddy.

All clear.

Doctor did ultrasounds and took a look and said I had two enlarged lymph nodes on the side of my neck, but they were healthy and still within the normal limits and if they hadn't gotten any bigger since I noticed them, it's fine.

They said, just like how people can get a streak of white hair from high stress, a high stress event or virus or injury can cause your lymph nodes to change size and they can be like that for a short or long while and then shrink, or they can just permanently be like that. But it's not a dangerous thing.

Plus they looked all around my neck/throat/vocal chords and everything looked clear and fine. Said some of my lower neck soreness when doing push-ups sometimes is from muscle strain in my neck muscles from working out and no big deal.

Definitely a good relief. Can be less depressed now. Now just gotta hope my surgery goes well. Doc had to reschedule it to mid-February, so not super soon.

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #824 on: January 23, 2023, 02:43:42 PM »
You've got some relief! One thing down and off the list. Tackle the list one at a time! Go Bebpo!

Any updates on your living situation? Did you move to the 'rents or check into a hotel?
IYKYK

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #825 on: January 23, 2023, 03:14:31 PM »
Any updates on your living situation? Did you move to the 'rents or check into a hotel?

Only possible mold issue is when running the AC/Heater unit. No mold in the house itself. Aired out the house for a day, and then just living log cabin style without heat. Haven't turned on the AC/Heater/Fan unit since then.

Though after a few days of making breakfast in my 59f kitchen and sleeping in my similarly cold bedroom and working while my feet are ice cold I borrowed some space heaters from friends and family and they're actually working pretty well for my computer/tv room and bedroom. Kitchen still cold as fuck, but I can live with it for a few weeks or month until this is all worked out.

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #826 on: January 25, 2023, 01:37:22 AM »
Got my latest blood results and my Iron levels which shot up dramatically and took me out of 6-12 months of living with anemia, are already crashing hard and at this rate a month from now I'll be anemic again :\

Feels like with health stuff, it just is never ending. Need to do all the various testing to try to figure out why I can't absorb iron at all. And will almost assuredly need to do another iron infusion in a month or two. Which sucks because while it worked great, it was basically like being sick for two weeks straight while your body runs in overdrive and converts the iron. If I only get like 3-4 months out of it, that's not great.

So now I gotta figure out the timing with my surgery. Because will probably be hitting anemia right around when I'm recovering from that. Fingers crossed a bit later so I can do the surgery, recover, then do the iron infusion and be sick for two weeks and hopefully have identified the cause and be able to stop it from falling off so much again this time.

My ferritin (iron stores) were like 5 last year and anything below 30 is bad and you need an IV infusion of iron. Normal range is 38-300. 7 weeks after my iron infusion I jumped from 5 -> 99 ferritin. But now 6 weeks from that I fell from 99 -> 50 ferritin.

It really doesn't seem like it's being caused by my crohn's disease because I don't have any active inflammation showing in my intestines. Also doesn't seem like it's from cancer/internal bleeding because none of that has shown either. From google it really seems like there's only a few other things that could be causing me to be completely unable to absorb iron:

-Celiac Disease (gluten inflammation of small intestines) - Would need to go on a gluten-free diet.
-Thyroid issues of not producing enough hormones and apparently it messes with your stomach acid and absorption of iron - Would need to take hormone pills
-Small Bowl Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) - bacteria in your small intestine steals and eats all the incoming iron before your body can absorb it - Would need to be on a rotation of antibiotics and diet changes
-Long term damage from PPI (anti-acids) messing with your acid levels and ability to absorb iron - would need to taper off the anti-acid med I've been on for 20 years for my acid reflux

I'm hoping it's a thyroid issue because that seems the easiest to treat and recover from if it's just an extra pill to add to my list of pills I gotta take daily. Waiting for my doc to give me a lab order for a thyroid/hormone test.

Pretty bummed about all this. Was so depressed and tired and fatigued last year on anemia and really not looking forward to falling into that even for a short term again. Keep wanting to be done with all this health stuff so I can get back to living my life. First was the surgery I had last year and recovery, then was the anemia last year until I got my iron infusions, then was these swollen lymph nodes on my neck that took 4 months to get to the right doctor and check and see that they weren't cancer, then it's another surgery and recovery I gotta go through, and then it'll be another iron infusion and time figuring out what's causing the iron issues and treating that.

I just want to get back to feeling normal and being able to go do things with people and travel and go on dates. It just feels never ending medical issues.

I knew the iron infusion wasn't going to last forever, since we never figured out the underlying cause of the iron deficiency, but from what I read and people's experiences with iron infusions, was really hoping it'd last at least 6 months if not a full year before had to look into iron infusions again. Not like getting near anemia levels again after 3 months  :-\

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #827 on: January 25, 2023, 06:11:54 AM »
Can you get tested for celiac?
IYKYK

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #828 on: January 25, 2023, 02:17:45 PM »
Yeah, there are pretty good easy tests for Celiac and Hormones.

SIBO is diagnosed with this breath test that I've been meaning to do since last fall but it's a pain in the ass because the only place that does it is a 90 min drive away, you have to fast for 1.5 days before the test, and then breath into a bag for like 2-3 hours straight. I had it scheduled last fall but I didn't realize I was supposed to fast the day before so I had to cancel it.

Will be getting all the testing done. Hopefully can figure it out. 25% of people with Crohn's test positive for SIBO, having low iron can cause hypothyroidism where you don't make enough hormones because your thyroid needs iron to function properly and I had no iron for like most of 2022, and I have a blood related aunt that has celiac disease and is on gluten-free for life...soooo basically could be anything! But at least these are all testable things.

Just need to get the tests done, get one more iron infusion in a month or two when I fall into anemia level and hopefully fix the issue before the next blast of iron starts to fall off too much. It's doable, and it's not going to kill me, but it's just frustrating. Getting the insurance to authorize my iron infusion last time over 6 weeks was incredibly stressful, so hopefully the doctors can start on getting the authorizations soon so when I do need the iron infusion I have the insurance authorization to do it ez pz.

Also fingers crossed the recovery from my surgery in a few weeks is light so I can recover quick and move to the next stuff I've got to do. The surgeon says it will be, but also depends on what he finds when I'm under anesthesia and what he needs to cut and do.

Bebpo

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #829 on: February 08, 2023, 01:50:07 PM »
Ok, survived another surgery. In a lot of pain but it’s tolerable and picking up pain meds for the week.
Hope this works.

On figuring out my iron loss/anemia:

Thyroid test = normal
Small Bowel Bacteria Overgrowth test = normal but only 45-55% accuracy and there’s a second test needed to rule it out
Celiac disease test = did test yesterday, should have results in a day or so.

If Celiac is normal/negative, doctor will refer me to a Hematologist because it must be some weird rare thing since all the normal stuff that would cause inability to absorb iron or enough blood loss to constantly be using up all iron is seemingly negative and it’s a mystery :spooky ghost

Next blood test is in a month and we’ll see if I’m anemic again, in which case it’s time to try to get another iron infusion approved.

Himu

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #830 on: February 08, 2023, 11:08:56 PM »
Rest up buddy
IYKYK

chronovore

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  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #831 on: February 09, 2023, 06:09:18 PM »
We're all pulling for you, Bebsy.

Tasty

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #832 on: February 13, 2023, 10:20:36 PM »
Why is it the big shitty things sink in slowly and don't really bother you, but the little shitty things just send you over the edge?

Fucking broke but I have lots of room on two credit cards. Oh wait, they expired and got sent to my sister's address in MA since I've been waiting to get out of my parents' in CT before I update my address. Oh, guess she didn't even receive them in the mail anyways.

Maybe I'll play same Monster Hunter, I haven't really gamed in months, maybe that'll cheer me up. Oh wait, my Pro Controller is fucking dead.

Mom's dementia and memory loss has gotten sharply worse since I've come back.

I haven't dated in 4 years and honestly at this point I've idealized my next romantic partner so much literally no one can ever clear that bar. I have access to 5% of the population and gays don't give a shit about monogamy so no hope there.

The only reason I've been working so hard for so long is to get my own place. Found out today I probably can't even do that.

My YouTube Premium expired 5 minutes ago. I have the family plan so now my entire family knows I'm goddamn broke and they have to watch ads now. I FUCKING HATE ADS

7 days a week and I can't even pay myself. What the fuck is the point of living

benjipwns

  • your bright ideas always burn me
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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #833 on: February 13, 2023, 10:27:49 PM »
What the fuck is the point of living
Getting likes on The Bire for your good posts.

Transhuman

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Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #834 on: February 13, 2023, 10:37:33 PM »
That's rough Tasty, I hope someday you're able to move out and you find a guy that actually wants a relationship and that your mom dies and you have enough money to pay for YouTube premium.

Tasty

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #835 on: February 13, 2023, 10:40:08 PM »
My crown fell off my molar three days ago, had to wait until today, finally went to a dentist, in person... Got shoo'd out the door, "Call us back after our lunch break in an hour."

Like what the fuck. Instead of calling I went home and took a six hour nap. Dreams are better than this

chronovore

  • relapsed dev
  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #836 on: February 13, 2023, 10:41:16 PM »
You are gay and you care about monogamy. There are others out there like you, and they are more likely to share your values than other gays, who do not believe in monogamy.

I’m sorry to hear work is still garbage and keeping you way too busy, and I’m sorry to hear about money troubles. It sounds incredibly stressful.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2023, 10:48:01 PM by chronovore »

Tasty

  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #837 on: February 13, 2023, 10:42:11 PM »
That's rough Tasty, I hope someday you're able to move out and you find a guy that actually wants a relationship and that your mom dies and you have enough money to pay for YouTube premium.

I can't tell if this is sarcastic or not, but the implication that it is was enough, you broke me.

Goodbye Bore. You can keep the extensions.

Transhuman

  • youtu.be/KCVCmGPgJS0
  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #838 on: February 13, 2023, 10:44:07 PM »
?? You're one of the only people here I like Tasty, I was just trying to make you laugh

You don't have to go. If you tell me you want me to leave the site and never come back, I will

BIONIC

  • Virgo. Live Music. The Office. Tacos. Fur mom. True crime junkie. INTJ.
  • Senior Member
Re: Depression/mental health thread
« Reply #839 on: February 13, 2023, 10:44:43 PM »
Transhuman you’re fired
Margs