i don't know that making fun of this kind of thing is worth doing. who knows, maybe it is?
Meh. It reads performative, with the OP leading there. I'm sure OP is in some sort of personal inner distress but he shot down any form of therapy immediately* so, you know.

* I understand that healthcare access in the USA is maybe subpar if you don't have the resources and, regardless, I know well enough that mental healthcare is complicated but he hasn't looked into this, as far as I can tell, even for low income help programs.