Struggle Thread mk II - No one likes us, we don't care

[daemon]

Today I messaged the wife of a friend of mine from the US because he wasn't answering for weeks.

Turns out he's in jail. Criminal endangerment (he explained this one to me), but she also added felony charges for stealing stuff. Also she mentioned she's filing for divorce because their marriage got very tense in the last year.



So yeah, I've got my buddy from 13 years in jail :/

[Rufus]

Already growing into the avatar, huh?

[Raist]

So yeah, I've got my buddy from 13 years in jail :/

Elaborate.

[daemon]

So yeah, I've got my buddy from 13 years in jail :/

Elaborate.

A friend i've known since 2006, but only online due to physical distance. On the bright side, he was released yesterday (after 40 days in jail) and there's a chance about them dropping charges!

[Raist]

Right. That sounded like you literally got him in jail.

[CatsCatsCats]

Having a v hard time pulling myself together rn. Need to get in therapy or something but can’t bring myself to get the ball rolling. Haven’t really talked to anyone about what’s going on with my marriage and feeling very isolated and lonely. Having those scary thoughts, struggling to see forward but hanging in there.

[Madrun Badrun]

Sorry, buddy that life sucks.  Hope it gets better soon. 

[Tasty]

Been contracting for Small Co.

Last two paychecks have been late

Still haven't been paid for last month

It's "tied up in the accounting dept"

"If you need to you can look for another contracting job in the meantime" (paraphrased)

spoiler (click to show/hide)

They technically have 30 days to pay me but things getting thrown out of wack randomly and then being told the other pieces of info... :uhh

[close]

[Bebpo]

Gross warning:

Friday night after playing Death Stranding came down with insane food poisoning like never before. Throwing up for hours intense and then uncontrollable shits for 20 hours straight until I ended up in the ER on morphine and other drugs hospitalized.

Had my months in planning vacation booked and mostly non-refundable for this morning. Wasn't sure if I'd be able to go. Was doing better yesterday and started adding some plain chicken in (was on nothing or bananas, rice, toast for 2-3 days besides being on probiotics to try to reform my gut) and then was all packed and ready to go and shits outta nowhere causing emergency laundry washing instead of sleeping.

Been going back and forth on whether to fly or not, feeling stuffed up and dry now but the chicken and stuff from yesterday hasn't processed so idk if I can digest it. Would lose like thousands of $$ and miss all the plans I had. Otoh, the whole point of vacation was to have a nice time away from stress of life/work and being on the edge of ill and possibly running infections while in Japan doesn't sound very relaxing.

At the airport now and gonna go for it. Fingers crossed my guts have recovered. I'm literally wearing an adult diaper just in case and a throwaway pair of jeans in case I gotta trash them. This emberassing and awful af. But if I'm lucky I've recovered at this point and will make it across the sea and to my hotel ok and can eat some good simple Japanese food tomorrow. My ryokan hotel has Japanese style breakfast so my first meal will be grilled fish, miso soup and rice which is all probably safe.

But will have to miss drinking with Chronovore tomorrow Will still hang (hopefully), but no way gonna be able to drink anything for a while into the trip.

A lot of this is because of my crohn's disease and old surgery wound In my gut I'm sure. In the 10 years since my surgery luckily I've never had really bad food poisoning, but now I have and my GI does not react well to that.

Fwiw I'm pretty sure it was the fresh salsa at my favorite taco place. Had it for lunch Friday and tasted weird. But also had a del taco run on Fri night (because taco bell got rid of the double decker) and got the chicken soft tacos so it could've been those too. Either way will be avoiding both places for a while...

[Tasty]

I mean even if you have to eat the costs on the flight out, I'd just say go the next day if you feel that close to death's door.

Good luck!

[Tasty]

This "not getting paid" thing has begun to turn catastrophic and dominoes are starting to fall.

Fun.

[bork]

Witnessed what might have been a crime or domestic incident going on tonight.

We went to get takeout,  stopped at a gas station, and I got out, only to notice that there was a small crowd of people all watching and cheering/laughing at something going down on the other side of the lot.  Another woman had her phone out and was filming it, while screaming at the crowd to "stop fucking laughing and go do something." 

It was hard to tell what the hell was going on- two cars were parked next to each other and several women were fistfighting.  A man was also trying to get to one of the women and hit her.  Saw a kid get out of one of the cars and run into the other one.  My wife is uncomfortable (she's never seen anything like this before) and keeps telling me to leave, which I tell her is absolutely not happening until I know what's going on.  Was about go call the cops after one of the cars tried leaving and a woman hung onto it, then fell off and hit the pavement.  At this point gas station employees run out and get the man away from the woman he's trying to attack.  She gets into her car (unsure if the kid was in here), screams "THEY TRIED TO TAKE MY KID FROM ME!!!" and peels out of there.  The other women get into their car -without the man- and drive away.  The man is just kind of standing around, dazed, while the gas station people are trying to talk to him.  Someone's stuff (looks like a packed clothes bag) is just sitting there when everyone disperses.

Since this is over, I got gas and got back in the car, only to see my wife getting out- we had taken the dog out earlier and brought her in the car with us, and the whole thing scared her so much she peed all over the front seat and was shaking.     My wife got in the back, we picked up the food, went home, and I spent a little while cleaning out the car and getting that pee out of the seat. 

Can't figure out if that was some kind of kidnapping attempt (didn't seem like it) or custody battle shit (seems more likely), but holy shit.

[Raist]

I got gas and got back in the car, only to see my wife getting out- we had taken the dog out earlier and brought her in the car with us, and the whole thing scared her so much she peed all over the front seat and was shaking.

Ph-phrasing...

[toku]

Slipping back into being crazy on edge half of the time;  like flipping between zen and losing it at the smallest provocation. 

Then if I entertain the "edge" I spiral pretty quickly and then have trouble shaking what bothered me.   Will completely distract me, and I'll do weird shit like randomly make a face or scoff out loud at something that happened earlier that my brain decided to go over again.   

Does not feel like a healthy mind inside of my head, but at least I'm aware of it.  Of course I keep losing it, despite this awareness.. but trying to more quickly reign it in.

I don't know if it's the time of year or what.. I'm of course also dreading the holidays and being endlessly PTSD triggered.

I do this a lot at times too. I think it's good that you're at least letting it out/expressing it with the scoffs etc. It can feel a little crazy and try not to do it around others but at least you're acknowledging it. I also think you're doing the right thing shifting awareness when it comes up and sometimes i find even focusing on just breathing or walking helps. Most important thing is you just don't let your brain build tracks down that shit road. You been there already, goes nowhere. It gets easier from experience.

[TVC15]

Real struggle:

I haven’t slept on a Monday night in over 3 months. Actually, it’s been since July but I’m not doing math. And I mean no sleep. Tuesday is always a rough meeting day for me, so this has been getting shitty. I’m normally a shitty sleeper so I can live with missing any given night of sleep, but it’s been this night so consistently that it’s notable.

The problem is that I live by a courtyard that has a number of bars and restaurants in it. Monday night is garbage night for them, and they all put dumpsters out. These dumpsters attract lots of homeless people who spend the whole night, up until 4:30am when the garbage trucks come (my alarm goes off at 4:15), rooting through them as noisily as possible.

I don’t know what to do about this short of moving. Really, fuck homeless people.

Any advice is appreciated. I’m not sure what can pragmatically be done here.

Notes:

* I can’t do earplugs or headphones or anything while trying to sleep. Things on me is generally a no go. I don’t even use a blanket when I sleep
* We’re talking lots of glass constantly clanking around and breaking frequently, along with lots of other general noise, but it’s the sharp shit that jumps out that ruins things
* This info may be wrong, but the situation appears to have been caused by dumpster location changes due to a few construction projects on my block. Two new apartment buildings... want to take bets on how many affordable units they have? Both projects are barely off the ground, and construction won’t make any progress if it rains this year (based on past years)

[TVC15]

Stop watching Raw

I DID BROTHER

[TVC15]

We always have a loud fan going;  can't hear much of anything going on outside of our room.

This isn’t be the right kind of noise (I’ve tried a fan and a little music). I need something that is able to cover frequent loud clanks and pops. Sudden noises—the problem is they alarm me into being awake, so a wall of low noise wouldn’t do much.

I’m open to other noise-type suggestions though. I think it may be one of my only angles. But I need suggestions and advice.

[shosta]

Pills?

[TVC15]

Pills?

Ehhhhhhh, it’s the nuclear option. Without going into details, I had an OG ambien episode over a decade ago that has me scared off anything even remotely related to it. Believe women—believe Roseanne.

I do use Ativan, but I use it for a specific purpose and I’d like to avoid introducing any other drugs like that into my life. I think they trigger depression in me.

These are options, and I do know they work, but I’ve tried them and they just can’t be the answer to this. They’d introduce new complications that I’d also have to proactively address.

[TVC15]

My sleep has been getting really bad as my health gets worse. I’m unintentionally missing 2-3 nights a week of sleep. Always Monday though, that’s the only consistent day. I’ve been going into a coma for most of the weekends. It’s been getting really rough, and it sucks because work is going really well right now, and I enjoy it, but I can’t be my best and get the most out of the situation. I’m worried I’m blowing it. People notice I have to work from home all the time or I’m walking around like a zombie or I’m all nervous energy from adrenaline. It feels like I can’t win.

I don’t stay up or watch shit or play games. I just stay in bed with my eyes closed the whole time and try to rest, moving as little as possible. It’s so frustrating.

I also take one of my medications as a shot at night specifically because it’s more sedating that way.

[I'm a Puppy!]

I just found out an old coworker from my prior company died last week.
we had lost touch the last few years, but man. I met his wife and kids. Poor guy.

[I'm a Puppy!]

My sleep has been getting really bad as my health gets worse. I’m unintentionally missing 2-3 nights a week of sleep. Always Monday though, that’s the only consistent day. I’ve been going into a coma for most of the weekends. It’s been getting really rough, and it sucks because work is going really well right now, and I enjoy it, but I can’t be my best and get the most out of the situation. I’m worried I’m blowing it. People notice I have to work from home all the time or I’m walking around like a zombie or I’m all nervous energy from adrenaline. It feels like I can’t win.

I don’t stay up or watch shit or play games. I just stay in bed with my eyes closed the whole time and try to rest, moving as little as possible. It’s so frustrating.

I also take one of my medications as a shot at night specifically because it’s more sedating that way.

How's your sleep hygenie? Like if you can't fall asleep within 20 minutes do you get out of bed and sit down somewhere else? I used to make the mistake of staying in bed and force myself to fall asleep. Setting up a chair nearby where I could just sit in the quiet if I couldn't fall asleep made a huge difference. Not saying that'll work for you, but it did help me.

[TVC15]

My sleep has been getting really bad as my health gets worse. I’m unintentionally missing 2-3 nights a week of sleep. Always Monday though, that’s the only consistent day. I’ve been going into a coma for most of the weekends. It’s been getting really rough, and it sucks because work is going really well right now, and I enjoy it, but I can’t be my best and get the most out of the situation. I’m worried I’m blowing it. People notice I have to work from home all the time or I’m walking around like a zombie or I’m all nervous energy from adrenaline. It feels like I can’t win.

I don’t stay up or watch shit or play games. I just stay in bed with my eyes closed the whole time and try to rest, moving as little as possible. It’s so frustrating.

I also take one of my medications as a shot at night specifically because it’s more sedating that way.

How's your sleep hygenie? Like if you can't fall asleep within 20 minutes do you get out of bed and sit down somewhere else? I used to make the mistake of staying in bed and force myself to fall asleep. Setting up a chair nearby where I could just sit in the quiet if I couldn't fall asleep made a huge difference. Not saying that'll work for you, but it did help me.

Not good by standards of sleep experts! I sleep on a floor on a futon mattress.

It usually takes me about 2 hours to fall asleep (estimated based on last remembered clock views before falling asleep), so getting up after a brief period hasn’t helped. It’s been like this since I was a kid. The taking a long time to fall asleep, not the not sleeping at all bit.

[TVC15]

I’m complaining about this today because I’m missing work on a really important day and I feel bad for letting my team down.

At least it’s good to have a valid reason to hate the homeless.

[Madrun Badrun]

I've been letting people down all year.  Its really painful. 

[TVC15]

You get used to it. I was just getting not used to it at work so this is especially frustrating

[Madrun Badrun]

Ya, that's what I meant.  Letting down family, that's OK been doing that a long time, but I had always been able to keep face at work.  When I couldn't, it was a hell of a hit to my self esteem.

[CatsCatsCats]

Probably gonna have to sell the house this summer as part of getting a divorce. I don’t think I can get myself on board with what the soon to be ex wants to do: build a separate dwelling on the same property and continue to partner financially/ as parents. Just seems too pathetic, even for me. Of course she’s pissed that I’m back tracking on being up for that but honestly she’s not a great financial partner and if we’re splitting up we should split it up so we can move on. Idk. Fighting suicidal thoughts everyday but still have a few anchors in this world keeping me held down, fortunately.

[Madrun Badrun]

Sorry dude. 

[CatsCatsCats]

I’m just trying to steel myself for the struggle and stay open for the fact that I’ll have a completely different life in a few years, better or worse. Considering moving to either Florida, Houston, Denver or Atlanta. (Can easily transfer for work to those locales.)

[shosta]

Love you, Cats. If you're ever down in Vegas again I'll let you go a few rounds with Bailey, no charge.

[CatsCatsCats]

Sorry, I’ve made a decision. No more white girls.

[TVC15]

Sorry, Cats sounds shitty.

[CatsCatsCats]

I start most mornings on one of these:



and it’s so easy to think “wow I could do a proper drop hanging from up here”

So that’s a dark thought that I’m trying to scrub out

[TVC15]

I’m sorry, Cats. You come across as a decent person and that’s sad to here. I’m clueless when it comes to relationship shit because I was never dumb enough to be interested in girls, but if you ever feel the need to say arbitrary emotional things but you don’t feel comfortable sharing them with someone you know, feel free to talk to this impressively stable individual right here. I need input for my work.

[team filler]

Slipping back into being crazy on edge half of the time;  like flipping between zen and losing it at the smallest provocation. 

Then if I entertain the "edge" I spiral pretty quickly and then have trouble shaking what bothered me.   Will completely distract me, and I'll do weird shit like randomly make a face or scoff out loud at something that happened earlier that my brain decided to go over again.   

Does not feel like a healthy mind inside of my head, but at least I'm aware of it.  Of course I keep losing it, despite this awareness.. but trying to more quickly reign it in.

I don't know if it's the time of year or what.. I'm of course also dreading the holidays and being endlessly PTSD triggered.

go vacation in somewhere sunny and warm. you deserve it, breh 

[TVC15]

Slipping back into being crazy on edge half of the time;  like flipping between zen and losing it at the smallest provocation. 

Then if I entertain the "edge" I spiral pretty quickly and then have trouble shaking what bothered me.   Will completely distract me, and I'll do weird shit like randomly make a face or scoff out loud at something that happened earlier that my brain decided to go over again.   

Does not feel like a healthy mind inside of my head, but at least I'm aware of it.  Of course I keep losing it, despite this awareness.. but trying to more quickly reign it in.

I don't know if it's the time of year or what.. I'm of course also dreading the holidays and being endlessly PTSD triggered.

go vacation in somewhere sunny and warm. you deserve it, breh 

Can we all come over to your place and do a bunch of crank with strippers? That dude in your avatar would look kinda like ET if I had my dick in him...

[team filler]

never disrespect lee roadster 

[team filler]

Slipping back into being crazy on edge half of the time;  like flipping between zen and losing it at the smallest provocation. 

Then if I entertain the "edge" I spiral pretty quickly and then have trouble shaking what bothered me.   Will completely distract me, and I'll do weird shit like randomly make a face or scoff out loud at something that happened earlier that my brain decided to go over again.   

Does not feel like a healthy mind inside of my head, but at least I'm aware of it.  Of course I keep losing it, despite this awareness.. but trying to more quickly reign it in.

I don't know if it's the time of year or what.. I'm of course also dreading the holidays and being endlessly PTSD triggered.

go vacation in somewhere sunny and warm. you deserve it, breh 

Can we all come over to your place and do a bunch of crank with strippers? That dude in your avatar would look kinda like ET if I had my dick in him...

I don't even want to come over to my place and no meth/strippers unless I visit GA/AL 

[TVC15]

Slipping back into being crazy on edge half of the time;  like flipping between zen and losing it at the smallest provocation. 

Then if I entertain the "edge" I spiral pretty quickly and then have trouble shaking what bothered me.   Will completely distract me, and I'll do weird shit like randomly make a face or scoff out loud at something that happened earlier that my brain decided to go over again.   

Does not feel like a healthy mind inside of my head, but at least I'm aware of it.  Of course I keep losing it, despite this awareness.. but trying to more quickly reign it in.

I don't know if it's the time of year or what.. I'm of course also dreading the holidays and being endlessly PTSD triggered.

go vacation in somewhere sunny and warm. you deserve it, breh 

Can we all come over to your place and do a bunch of crank with strippers? That dude in your avatar would look kinda like ET if I had my dick in him...

I don't even want to come over to my place and no meth/strippers unless I visit GA/AL 

Bitch, we go down to where you live, I get a nice hotel room. You provide local crank and strippers. You, me, Cats, riotous, strippers, crank. Party. I’ll bring a KISS tape. Let’s do this, before the end of the year.

[team filler]

I'll taking you hiking up to the gaviota wind caves and you can get a good nights rest up there with me 

[TVC15]

I'll taking you hiking up to the gaviota wind caves and you can get a good nights rest up there with me 

Will you do mushrooms with me there?

[TVC15]

fine. filler, no crank... but PCP is on the menu. We’re going to ride the wild, baby

[BisMarckie]

Probably gonna have to sell the house this summer as part of getting a divorce. I don’t think I can get myself on board with what the soon to be ex wants to do: build a separate dwelling on the same property and continue to partner financially/ as parents. Just seems too pathetic, even for me. Of course she’s pissed that I’m back tracking on being up for that but honestly she’s not a great financial partner and if we’re splitting up we should split it up so we can move on. Idk. Fighting suicidal thoughts everyday but still have a few anchors in this world keeping me held down, fortunately.

Sorry to hear that breh.

I obviously don’t know anything about you and your marriage, but having been through a divorce myself, all I can say is: You’re doing the right thing backing out of that deal.
This shit will hurt for a while, but once the whole financial mess is untangled, it will be just like a breakup. You have managed those before, so you will be able to manage this one and be a stronger and better CatsCatsCats than ever before.

[Cerveza mas fina]

Probably gonna have to sell the house this summer as part of getting a divorce. I don’t think I can get myself on board with what the soon to be ex wants to do: build a separate dwelling on the same property and continue to partner financially/ as parents. Just seems too pathetic, even for me. Of course she’s pissed that I’m back tracking on being up for that but honestly she’s not a great financial partner and if we’re splitting up we should split it up so we can move on. Idk. Fighting suicidal thoughts everyday but still have a few anchors in this world keeping me held down, fortunately.

Shit man, hang in there

That double dwelling thing sounds like a trap.

[CatsCatsCats]

Y’all I’m sorry for being so dark, I’ll make it out of this and keep playing my role in the crazy shit no worries

[CatsCatsCats]

It does help. Like I already feel way less likely to do that shit now that it’s on a video game forum splinter forum splinter forum’s b side (love y’all)

[Tasty]

Love you Spence, you'll get through this. I think despite your self-doubt regarding your near-future, your head is actually in the right space and your instincts are probably correct -- she may hate you for it now, but separating completely (#DENNISSystem? ) seems like the healthy option and she may thank you for it later.

In any case, we'll be here in the meantime.

[Madrun Badrun]

Have my committee meeting today.  Really nervious. 

[CatsCatsCats]

Hope it went really well, my dude

[Madrun Badrun]

It went good - not sure why I have been so worrried about for a year and a half. 

[toku]

it be like that

[CatsCatsCats]

Gonna be spending thanksgiving alone

[Cerveza mas fina]

Comfort yourself with the thought that he prob earned more too so the firing is surely cost cutting.

[Tasty]

Gonna be spending thanksgiving alone

Cook some turkey, get baked and watch a bonkers action movie.

[Rufus]

Edit: now I remember he was a subcontractor through another company so he must have cost a pretty penny.

Helps explain why he openly talked back to superiors.

[brawndolicious]

Well Esch, I recently took over a project from a guy who retired. He was a "company man" in that he kissed ass all the time but would whine a lot about how stressed he was over his workload.

I dive into it and realize he at most had a few hours of work a week. And he would go months without responding to emails so there would be just random tasks from a year ago that are waiting for somebody to spend two minutes to close out. His job was mostly to coordinate with employees in other departments and they're telling me that it would take dozens of calls and emails over several weeks before he got back to them. And then if he never followed up, they'd all sit and wait until either a regulator or an industrial customer kicks up a shit storm when they realize how behind we are.

On top of all that, he got paid 50% more than me and got benefits. I mean, their are people who struggle to engage the project management side of work and then their are those simply don't give a fuck. I'm honestly pissed that my boss didn't have the balls to fire this person, hopefully you had a similar guy on your team.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

And he also did that remote employee living out of a camper thing. And of course he was the only person in the entire company that has a permit for a emotional support dog.

[close]

[Clockwork5]

I moved across the country, away from my family, about a week ago to move in with my girlfriend. Everything was going well, then 2 days ago I got a call from my mom. She had been feeling dizzy and fell and hit her head. The docs did a scan and found the breast cancer she had been keeping under control for 3 years had spread to her brain. This was my biggest fear when moving away, that her health would start to decline but fuck man... I only left a week ago. It’s so fucked because just before I left she had a scan on her breast tumor and everything was looking stable. I left town thinking she was going to be okay for a while.

[Tasty]

Haha holy shit I'm so fucked.

[BIONIC]