You’d be angry too if you were me.
Oh Rahx, I'm a very angry person too, so much so it manifests in many unhealthy ways outside the board but what I dont do is point at the world as if to blame it. I'm very aware of where the shit comes from and am actively trying to get past it. Once you have that self realization you'll have a path to walk. Having the willpower then becomes another matter.
You don’t have to believe me, but I’m not an angry person. At least not in my everyday life. People at work have often said I never come to work in a bad mood. People I play games with say I’m chill. My mother would describe me as pretty easy going. I also don’t blame the world or others, no the universal thing people say I am is that I’m too hard on myself and negative. It’s also while the readings of me you guys give to line up and reflect what I think because I feel you’re not understanding me. I mean I get that I appear angry, because well this is a place I can actually voice that. I can only voice frustration with close friends because anything else would scare people off and/or break the image people have of me. My image here is already ruined and it’s Internet forum so I have little problem endulging with my negatives.
I mean that’s fine. Perspectives even if they come from a slanted angle are worthwhile. Valkyrie’s readings are wrong I think, but they are helpful in understanding how I would even come close to appearing like that.
But my problem I have with self realization now is I feel every time I come to some sort of understanding and I try to use it, it blows up in my face/runs counter to what’s being said here. Hence I become even more frustatated.
Yet I also think my brain tries to work in some rational math way. You see me citing my friends as examples as me wrongly gauging and comparing myself to them. I guess, but I see it as proof of I guess some math problem that doesn’t exist.
I see Atra being successful from starting out using tinder like I did and gaining success and me not as further proof of the fucked up impossible situation.
Yes I know that’s incel talk to act like “oh it’s just me and these are not unique to me” but still that’s how it feels. It’s not like a surround myself with other nerds. I’m surrounded by normal people who seem to normally do ok.
