We've been living separately for about 2 and 1/2 months now, so the physical feeling of being separate - I'm used to that mostly.
February 28th, the Monday night before the divorce, I came over to her apartment to check it out, to see if she needed anything. She's doing okay. The apartment looks good. It's maybe a mile away from me.
Before I left I gave her a long hug and of course I cried, because I still feel sadness towards the whole thing.
In my mind, I replayed the moments of our relationship, dating, falling in love, the wedding, the birth of our child, buying houses, becoming a stable family, but I thought of all the times she hurt me, was distant, lied and cheated, made me feel less than.
I can't stay with her. She made me feel so ancillary to everything and we weren't aligned.
I just wanted to be sure.
I hope we're going to stay friends, but maybe she's not going to be able to stay friends if she doesn't figure out who she really is. She's getting help. But I know, in the back of her mind, she knows she threw away the best person there ever could have been for her.
I've moved the rest of her belongings into totes in the living room for her to get, and she still has a closet to clear out. She's also taking her sweet assed time in separating finances, so I opened my own checking account for direct deposit. She seemed none too pleased. Whatever.
So I say this: To all you people who feel you can't do it, who lack the constitution, who lack the self-respect, who feel you'll never find somebody else or that you're not good enough:
You can do this. Maybe it will hurt, maybe you'll be sad, or angry, filled with rage. Maybe you really won't find someone else. But you cannot live in a union with someone who isn't willing to respect you.
