Author Topic: Depression/mental health thread (Read 147751 times)

Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 05:57:07 PM
Pretty sure I'm depressed
I knew Bakugan was bad but hang in there a Nintendo Direct will be here soon.

The only game i care about is asphalt 9. 2 hours a day

Nintex · « **Reply #669 on:** July 10, 2020, 08:22:06 PM »

Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 08:09:43 PM

Quote from: Nintex on July 10, 2020, 08:06:22 PM
Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 05:57:07 PM
Pretty sure I'm depressed
I knew Bakugan was bad but hang in there a Nintendo Direct will be here soon.

The only game i care about is asphalt 9. 2 hours a day

Wow, you really are depressed

james · « **Reply #670 on:** July 10, 2020, 08:27:23 PM »

Quote from: Nintex on July 10, 2020, 08:22:06 PM

Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 08:09:43 PM
Quote from: Nintex on July 10, 2020, 08:06:22 PM
Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 05:57:07 PM
Pretty sure I'm depressed
I knew Bakugan was bad but hang in there a Nintendo Direct will be here soon.

The only game i care about is asphalt 9. 2 hours a day
Wow, you really are depressed

We have a spot in our club open if you want to join

Trent Dole · « **Reply #671 on:** July 11, 2020, 11:05:45 AM »

July is Everyone Wants to Die Month!

Transhuman · « **Reply #672 on:** July 11, 2020, 11:10:43 AM »

Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 08:27:23 PM

Quote from: Nintex on July 10, 2020, 08:22:06 PM
Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 08:09:43 PM
Quote from: Nintex on July 10, 2020, 08:06:22 PM
Quote from: james on July 10, 2020, 05:57:07 PM
Pretty sure I'm depressed
I knew Bakugan was bad but hang in there a Nintendo Direct will be here soon.

The only game i care about is asphalt 9. 2 hours a day
Wow, you really are depressed

We have a spot in our club open if you want to join

Hey hey hey, I was depressed way before him

thisismyusername · « **Reply #673 on:** July 11, 2020, 09:59:43 PM »

Good news, everybody:

https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/hpbbpq/positive_thinking_has_long_been_extolled_as_the/

Tasty · « **Reply #674 on:** July 11, 2020, 10:01:21 PM »

Exceeding low expectations produces greater levels of dopamine in monkey brains, news at 11.

That said, both optimism and realism are still more tenable day-to-day than pessimism -- that's mostly what I take away from this story.

james · « **Reply #675 on:** July 11, 2020, 10:58:30 PM »

Does my dorritos and ben and jerrys dinner make me happy? What does science say

CatsCatsCats · « **Reply #676 on:** July 11, 2020, 11:41:02 PM »

Make like 10 s’mores at once in the oven

bluemax · « **Reply #677 on:** July 13, 2020, 02:04:41 AM »

Went to visit my new PCP for the first time this past Friday. After talking it over with her I decided to switch meds up. The anxiety levels I've felt this year are unlike any other year of my life. Obviously there's been a lot of shit going on (painful breakup, drama with my previous work place, global pandemic), but I feel like when you rate yourself as suffering from severe anxiety, and you take stock of the whole year and realize there hasn't been more than a few day stretch where I haven't felt this way... it is probably time to change. And it isn't like I haven't been trying other stuff, I do therapy, I journal, I have done some meditation, albeit not consistent. But, I just feel like my baseline is all screwed up.

It sucks, 8 months ago I was doing a half dose of the meds I've been on and my life seemed like it was completely on the rise. Now I'm trying to just get a stable baseline again. The medication I have been on (wellbutrin), is one I switched to after talking to my previous doctor about how I felt the previous meds (zoloft) were totally messing me up sexually. And while the wellbutrin made this aspect somewhat better, apparently it does not treat anxiety as well. But I guess if I have to pick between being able to have an orgasm slightly more often (and still less than most people) and not feeling like a complete emotional wreck every day, I'll choose the latter for now.

Predictably of course, the last two days have been unpleasant as I taper off the old meds and on to the new ones. I don't think I had this issue when switching from zoloft to wellbutrin, but at least I've experienced these feelings in the past, so I know it is temporary enough and don't totally lose my shit.

I also got a referral to a psychiatrist since I've never actually spoken to one. And to a urologist, just to see if my issues are all brain chemistry related or not. And the doctor prescribed me a secondary med that is a take as needed for anxiety. I forget the name, something with a p, that is supposedly safer than xanax.

Somewhere out there is an alternate universe me who didn't fuck things up to start the year and still has a wonderful and caring girlfriend so he doesn't need all these meds, sigh.

benjipwns · « **Reply #678 on:** July 13, 2020, 03:02:36 AM »

I couldn't even tell if I had taken wellbutrin or not.

Psychiatrists usually focus on different things and some people dislike them because they often can be clinical and high level rather than someone to talk to for an hour like a psychologist/nurse. I personally like it, or at least I like mine, because it feels like it helps just to focus on the medications and longer term picture than you get with a regular therapist that you see more often.

thisismyusername · « **Reply #679 on:** July 22, 2020, 12:37:48 AM »

Get a job offer/interview offer from department employee head at 8AM:

"Finally, I can get the fuck out of my COVID infested job."

E-mail automated from HR at 5PM:
"Actually, we're going with other people."

Seriously contemplating throwing myself off a high building at this point. I know with COVID shit is horrible, but this kind of trolling really pisses me off and demoralizes me.

Tasty · « **Reply #680 on:** July 22, 2020, 08:42:46 AM »

That sucks man.

But if you do that then I'll be the only Teh Gay left here (demi's fatsexual.)

You can't leave me alone with these breeders. :'(

I went through the ringer looking for a replacement JS contract earlier this year (when I was absent.) I got so sick of it I just gave up, accepted a lower quality of life for myself for a while, and decided to take programming gigs off like Fiverr or whatever. I know a lot of fields don't have that flexibility, but I totally understand being burned by the interview process.

I actually had a call with Amazon that went really well (I thought) only for the recruiter to be like "Yeah guess not" and I was so upset I burned the bridge with that recruiter.

I do partly feel it was his fault (it's complicated) but looking back, shouldn't have done it (it's pretty much the only bridge I've ever burned professionally, and over something so stupid lol.) But I was really fucking upset that day.

What's shitty is you never know if like, tomorrow or two days you'll get a huge breakthrough. I think you'll get there, and I hope you don't take your jumping fantasies seriously.

thisismyusername · « **Reply #681 on:** July 22, 2020, 10:12:56 AM »

No, you misunderstand.

I literally get the interview offer in the morning. But I didn't have time to schedule or respond, and they said "we're scheduling for the week" so I figured "oh, I have time to respond later today in the evening." By the time I actually get around to it (7PM) they, during their closing hours, decide to reject me. No response, no interview, no nothing. They just out of the blue state "oh, don't bother. We're rejecting you."

So I'm like "What the fuck?" I e-mail the department head with "Uh, so it was a mistake? Why would you personally e-mail me and then your automated HR e-mail address respond later in the day with 'no, don't'?"

"I am not showing you scheduled an interview."
"Well, I was going to, but then your HR department told me to not bother. So again: Is there any particular reason why you'd say to schedule an interview and then be told to not bother?"

(Nothing since)

This shit is exactly why I don't bother with applying to places in general, but it's a complete bullshit show where they don't ever go to the actual interview stage for me for whatever reason and then never give me an actual response to where I can improve.

Thing is: If they wanted a response BY THE END OF THE FUCKING WORK DAY, they never stated it:

"I will be conducting telephone interviews this week for our Computer Support position. Please follow the link to schedule a time. At the time of the interview I will call the number on your application.

https://calendly.com/<user>/<calendar>

<Name>
Systems Engineer
@.org"

That is the literal e-mail for the interview offer. Nothing about a time limit and nothing about anything beyond "we're doing interviews this week, please schedule." I was gonna schedule in the evening, so what the fuck at the same-day e-mail of "Oh, don't bother. We're going with someone else." from HR.

Tasty · « **Reply #682 on:** July 22, 2020, 11:15:15 AM »

Yeah, that's frustrating. Honestly a lot of depts are pretty sloppy like that and full of people just checking their watch, more than happy not to follow-up on anything and then taking the easiest route so they can clock out (an automated rejection like that fits the bill to me.) People are lazy and not looking out for you, and it seems like they're doing it deliberately but it's mostly people just doing the bare minimum. It's infuriating when you need something from them, but I've learned the energy you put into raging at the system is disproportionate to the amount of change you can affect, so I don't even bother anymore.

As upsetting as it is I wouldn't call the situation a waste of time. At least now you know to get on that shit ASAP.

thisismyusername · « **Reply #683 on:** July 22, 2020, 11:36:10 AM »

Well, wouldn't have mattered anyway since they would've probably discriminated against me since their interview process needs another method/them to be comfortable with an alternate option.

What's really frustrating/annoying is that I made the drive to their office and the place closed like at the same time I was getting off work to drive there. So by the time I got there to give them an updated phone number/solutions for the problem, they were already closed and had already fired off that automated e-mail that I didn't get until I got home.

Frankly, it's more "fuck them," than "schedule fast" because the process for me is different as a cripple.

In fact, I just sent another e-mail to burn that bridge with an "Actually, I was there to schedule/update my number as I forget what was on the application number: If it was my actual number or an answering machine number, one of the people in the building can confirm I was there to give you the updated information, but by the time I got home your company had already decided to not bother. So really, next time: Be consistent and reject or state theres a time limit of by-end-of-business-day instead of saying your interviewing for the week because I was gonna schedule in the middle of the week and give you updated information before I did."

Fuck them. There is barely any IT work around here anyway, so I might as well burn the bridge and my ceritfication in the process.

james · « **Reply #684 on:** August 15, 2020, 07:16:48 PM »

Past two weeks were good. Was even making healthy food. Not today

Bebpo · « **Reply #685 on:** August 16, 2020, 02:00:03 PM »

Going to take a break from reading Era and FB. FB is nothing but a million posts on all the terrible things going on in the world/USA, and Era is nothing but doom & gloom nihilism lately about the world/USA news. The combination of which is triggering some existential depression going on.

It's important to stay abreast of what's going on in the world, but I just need a break for a week or so.

Trent Dole · « **Reply #686 on:** August 16, 2020, 02:11:45 PM »

I never read Era ever.

I'm on twitter more than is healthy but I'm kind of just numb to shit at this point.

EchoRin · « **Reply #687 on:** August 16, 2020, 02:16:13 PM »

Yeah, I just stick to the few community threads I'm a part of on Era. After seeing that was just a continuation of GAF at its end I kinda zoned out and leaned heavily into a few of the discords those communities had set up. But then discord got a little addictive so I scaled that way back. The Bore seemed like the nice pace that I was looking for, for the most part. So I spend most of my posting time here.

Nintex · « **Reply #688 on:** August 16, 2020, 02:34:07 PM »

Quote from: Bebpo on August 16, 2020, 02:00:03 PM

Going to take a break from reading Era and FB. FB is nothing but a million posts on all the terrible things going on in the world/USA, and Era is nothing but doom & gloom nihilism lately about the world/USA news. The combination of which is triggering some existential depression going on.

It's important to stay abreast of what's going on in the world, but I just need a break for a week or so.

Sounds good, just chill out and play some video games breh or watch more positive YouTube channels.
The world will still be here next week. A lot of news doesn't really matter.

Reading era indeed is very bad for your health, I rarely go that place anymore

james · « **Reply #689 on:** August 16, 2020, 08:29:16 PM »

I tried to follow a bunch of food based accounts on Twitter to drown out all the depressing real work news, but they never show up on my feed. I think Twitter is intentionally trying to hurt us.

Mr Gilhaney · « **Reply #690 on:** August 19, 2020, 07:38:40 AM »

Hello queens.

I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything, so do not worry, but overwhelming feeling of wanting to just die the last 24 hours. Been having huge fights with everyone around me from parents, friends to even my boss and Co workers. Just feels like I'm beyond caring about anything at this point. Can't find any peace anywhere, and the smallest things about people is setting me off into a rage. Doesn't feel sustainable.

EchoRin · « **Reply #691 on:** August 19, 2020, 10:10:00 AM »

Give yourself a meal you really like or chill out with a few favorite drinks while listening to some music/watching film/playing vidya. Hope that when you wake up tomorrow you will feel more positive.

Rufus · « **Reply #692 on:** August 19, 2020, 11:49:16 AM »

Seems you're self-aware enough to not fall into a hole or burn bridges. It's not your fault life is screwing you over. It's OK to ask for space and step away when people won't give you any.

bluemax · « **Reply #693 on:** August 20, 2020, 12:33:23 AM »

Quote from: bluemax on July 13, 2020, 02:04:41 AM

Went to visit my new PCP for the first time this past Friday. After talking it over with her I decided to switch meds up. The anxiety levels I've felt this year are unlike any other year of my life. Obviously there's been a lot of shit going on (painful breakup, drama with my previous work place, global pandemic), but I feel like when you rate yourself as suffering from severe anxiety, and you take stock of the whole year and realize there hasn't been more than a few day stretch where I haven't felt this way... it is probably time to change. And it isn't like I haven't been trying other stuff, I do therapy, I journal, I have done some meditation, albeit not consistent. But, I just feel like my baseline is all screwed up.

It sucks, 8 months ago I was doing a half dose of the meds I've been on and my life seemed like it was completely on the rise. Now I'm trying to just get a stable baseline again. The medication I have been on (wellbutrin), is one I switched to after talking to my previous doctor about how I felt the previous meds (zoloft) were totally messing me up sexually. And while the wellbutrin made this aspect somewhat better, apparently it does not treat anxiety as well. But I guess if I have to pick between being able to have an orgasm slightly more often (and still less than most people) and not feeling like a complete emotional wreck every day, I'll choose the latter for now.

Predictably of course, the last two days have been unpleasant as I taper off the old meds and on to the new ones. I don't think I had this issue when switching from zoloft to wellbutrin, but at least I've experienced these feelings in the past, so I know it is temporary enough and don't totally lose my shit.

I also got a referral to a psychiatrist since I've never actually spoken to one. And to a urologist, just to see if my issues are all brain chemistry related or not. And the doctor prescribed me a secondary med that is a take as needed for anxiety. I forget the name, something with a p, that is supposedly safer than xanax.

Somewhere out there is an alternate universe me who didn't fuck things up to start the year and still has a wonderful and caring girlfriend so he doesn't need all these meds, sigh.

I've forgotten to update, but I spoke with the Psychiatrist and she agreed that I am doing the right things for myself and that I made the correct choices on medication. I also went to the urologist and they were pretty helpful with everything as well. In general things have been a lot better the past month or so. My brain feels a lot calmer than it was the past 7 month or so. I'm not constantly panicking, I'm not getting into thought loops, I'm not excessively fixated on things. I am still depressed and sad and have issues, but my baseline feels like it has readjusted a lot.

The timing of my trip to my PCP was really good as it came a day after a really bad stress/panic day and it helped me to feel the need to ask for help. I've struggled most of my life with expressing myself and especially with asking for help and I think that therapy has helped me have this ability. While those months before I switched meds were awful, I am glad they were only months and not years.

Akala · « **Reply #694 on:** September 04, 2020, 11:19:58 AM »

https://twitter.com/TonyReali/status/1301645987732217861

Bebpo · « **Reply #695 on:** September 05, 2020, 02:02:00 AM »

I've been having really bad extreme fatigue/tiredness in the evenings lately. Like feels like heavy bags under my eyes and don't have the energy most nights and even on some days and just need to lay down and rest for a bit. Almost like extreme food coma and happens a few hours after lunch and then after dinner/exercise.

I thought it could be depression since I am at least somewhat depressed, but now I'm starting to think it's vitamin D deficiency after months of no sunlight since Covid quarantine. I only see the sun maybe 1 day a week these days and I looked through my daily diet stuff and I'm only get 66% of the DV of Vitamin D (50% from a multi-vitamin, 16% from yogurt drinks) and that's been going on for like 5-6 months at 66% of recommended Vit D. I was drinking some Vit D fortified orange juice early on but I had to cut it because of the acidity, which might explain this coming on now vs earlier in the quarantine.

I also though it could be diabetes but I'm not hitting any of the other symptoms and I'm in decent shape and exercising daily and eating healthy (although undereating and not getting enough calories for sure). I think it's probably lack of Vit D + Depression.

Gonna try to add more Vit D in, unfortunately looking it up it supposedly takes about 5 weeks of adding in Vit D for your body to get 100% back to normal if you're deficient.

Bebpo · « **Reply #696 on:** September 19, 2020, 02:38:18 AM »

Was/am very depressed with RBG passing and the implications. Was really tempted to indulge in self-destructive behavior with some alcohol or drinking a nice cup of coffee and staying up until 6am but stopped myself and did some exercise and baked some cookies to eat over the weekend instead.

Still am depressed and splurge bought some videogames to feel better (Suda51's Fire Pro World DLC story, Hades, Roki). Installed them but didn't play them. :'(

HardcoreRetro · « **Reply #697 on:** September 19, 2020, 05:45:57 AM »

Suda51's Fire Pro World DLC story

Not sure if that's the best thing to play. Seeing that it's a sequel to the story that dealt with suicide.

Bebpo · « **Reply #698 on:** September 19, 2020, 01:31:18 PM »

Haha, good point there.

Though if I never actually play these games I guess it doesn't matter

Nintex · « **Reply #699 on:** September 19, 2020, 02:11:52 PM »

Installing the video game is half the journey, you have nearly succeeded and one day soon you will hit that play button

Mr Gilhaney · « **Reply #700 on:** October 20, 2020, 02:14:21 AM »

liver pruritus is back in full force recently making me unable to sleep, and this kind of sleep deprivation is truly making my brain melt. my doctor referred me to a psychologist, for 5 free consultations so far, but not sure what that will really help. better than doing nothing i guess, and maybe it can help me actually stay asleep when i do manage to fall asleep, if he can help me worry a bit less. as it is right now, i can sleep for an hour or two and wake up wide awake, despite obviously being tired as fuck. only phenobarbital helps me sleep, and that is not really something you want to be chewing down every day. first time ever actually talking to a psychologist though, even if people will say i should have done it long ago, so a bit excited to see what it's even all about. in my mind it's just dr melfi and tony talking about the recycling business.

team filler · « **Reply #701 on:** October 20, 2020, 01:37:50 PM »

I see and hear things that aren't there, but there are varying levels to it. after a few days of little to no sleep I experience full psychosis, putting me in a different reality. the medication(Olanzapine) they gave me during my inpatient stay def helps me get better, deeper sleep. it's also keeping my out of control sex drive in check somehow

it's still there, just isn't grabbing the wheel of the car anymore. like I can call it up when I want. was a bit scary at first when I thought it was gone completely

psychosis is a spectrum that I'm always on to some degree, but can fall into the deep end easier than most I think. I don't get to see cartoons walking around the apartment or anything fun like that. I just see and hear people I know saying and doing things against me. Or I connect dots that don't connect and even worse connect to dots that don't exist.

my feeling is the psychosis pushes me towards depression. I've developed ways of dealing with it, but some are not so healthy. I just need to stick to the healthy ways. things like playing in the ocean, really grounds me back down to reality.

it seemed like the doctors and staff thought I might hear voices because I think out loud. maybe that's the same thing

they also seemed to think I'd been using meth, my lab results came back negative at the ER. I really haven't touched it since april 2017 when I left GA after getting out the army.

team filler · « **Reply #702 on:** October 22, 2020, 02:04:42 PM »

sex drive exists, but doesn't have any control, other than what I give it. haven't jerked in over a month and I'm not bouncing off the walls over it. very strange, but good.

anger I find no use for. it exists, but there is no reason to hold onto, follow or become angry.

it's more like i'm getting back to things i've felt before. except for my sex drive being manageable, that's completely new

Mr Gilhaney · « **Reply #703 on:** October 23, 2020, 07:51:47 AM »

You should jerk it not for you, but for us bby

Anyway I just had an episode of suddenly getting extremely dizzy/lightheaded. Was sure I was going to pass out tbh. Was sitting in my car, just started eating and it came out of nowhere. Is this what a panic attack feels like? Felt no fear or trouble breathing really. But I was getting increasingly worried I was about to pass the fuck out and started sweating like crazy. Lasted a few min max (probably only 30 seconds or so). Could also be that I hadn't eaten anything got far too long, but I don't know. Felt weird

This does come off me being called in for a transplant and then then cancelling it last second again, after not sleeping got like 35 hours. It's two days ago now though

Mr Gilhaney · « **Reply #704 on:** October 23, 2020, 01:21:23 PM »

Alright thanks. I hate to bring Sopranos into this, but that is pretty much how far my knowledge on that extends to, which is getting dizzy and then passing out, which I felt I was very close to. I was certainly freaked out, cause happened out of nowhere just sitting eating a bit in my car, completely relaxed and feeling decent.

team filler · « **Reply #705 on:** October 23, 2020, 01:56:40 PM »

team filler · « **Reply #706 on:** October 23, 2020, 02:17:14 PM »

mostly just what I've figured myself over time. the dr heard me thinking out loud and I guess there's some spectrum of hearing voices. thinking out loud is on there somewhere. they also said I was paranoid about things I was paranoid about at the time.

around jr high I couldn't close my eyes for too long without imagining something terrible happening in front of me. would happen especially during a shower while washing away soap. I got past that by telling myself that real life isn't that interesting and there's some monster I'll be dead

it worked

I think I've had a lot of "fixes" I've come up with to get around what's going on in my head. some of the fixes could have been done better.

team filler · « **Reply #707 on:** October 23, 2020, 03:09:06 PM »

probably seems worse than it is for you guys. I just have to make sure I get proper sleep at night and have some help taking care of mom. I feel calmness

if I were going out to the beach, I wouldn't smoke anything. maybe I should go

Transhuman · « **Reply #708 on:** October 23, 2020, 08:55:42 PM »

I quit the weed and you can too bud.

I'm bored all the time but that's on Covid

chronovore · « **Reply #709 on:** November 18, 2020, 04:05:29 AM »

https://www.reddit.com/r/UpliftingNews/comments/jw89os/canada_is_allowing_people_with_depression_to_do/

Mushrooms for depressed Canadians.

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #710 on:** November 18, 2020, 09:48:44 AM »

Pretty sure they will be legalized for everyone eventually.

MMaRsu · « **Reply #711 on:** November 18, 2020, 10:09:52 AM »

Came into work, wasnt feeling too bad

all of a sudden an existential feeling of dread came over me, and I started tearing up and feeling like shit

After a call with my mom I calmed down tho wtf man

Didnt even know where it came from just got depressed af all of a sudden

chronovore · « **Reply #712 on:** November 22, 2020, 09:53:07 PM »

Quote from: MMaRsu on November 18, 2020, 10:09:52 AM

Came into work, wasnt feeling too bad

all of a sudden an existential feeling of dread came over me, and I started tearing up and feeling like shit

After a call with my mom I calmed down tho wtf man

Didnt even know where it came from just got depressed af all of a sudden

This whole year, a lot of stuff piles up. You're not alone. I've been midway through a day at work, and suddenly just feel like crying, and leaving, but I don't know where I'd go.

Bebpo · « **Reply #713 on:** December 14, 2020, 11:58:14 PM »

I stumbled across a random photos folder I have while looking for a zoom background. Found all kinds of photos from when I was 18-27, photos of me & the girls I dated.

Already been in a depression for a long while due to lockdown and losing all communications with almost all friends and living completely alone with no life. First half of lockdown was alright and an adventure, second half of the year has just been bad thing after bad thing snowballing into a never ending depression.

And then yeah, seeing those pics. I used to look really good and I never realized it and always thought I was an ugly looking dude. I'm jealous of my full hair and youthful face. The girls I dated in my 20s are gorgeous. Now I'm old and my hair sucks and all the women I date are older and less goddamn looking (also less crazy wild).

Nothing makes getting older more depressing than looking back at old photos.

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #714 on:** December 15, 2020, 10:57:35 AM »

Realizing I'm looking old too. Kinda sucks.

chronovore · « **Reply #715 on:** January 14, 2021, 01:43:07 AM »

Bebpo, bubbly! You looked better last time you were here in Osaka than when we met the first in Los Angeles. You seemed skittish and weird. Now you seem more confident in who you are. Own that shit. It’s worth owning.

team filler · « **Reply #716 on:** January 30, 2021, 08:11:00 AM »

I've been struggling. Doing too much disassociation. I know I need to get into counseling or therapy. It's just hard right now, with the pandemic and then just the depression and everything else. I'm really not sure about the medication I was on at the hospital. I know it helped me sleep, but it didn't get me back to reality.

it's taken me until now to finally get back to reality. like my mind was still not all the way back from where I got lost and it's been rough. I know the depression is there and I know I'm disassociating. on top of that I didn't know what was real or not. so now it's like everything is hitting me all at once, I'm a bit shaky. mostly thinking about my family and how things have effected them. overall I feel okay despite everything. just feel like I let a lot of people down. angered people. definitely gave everyone the wrong impression.

I think anyone who meets me in person realizes that just because the inside of my head is messy, doesn't mean I treat people bad or hurt them, or even have a desire to. I do feel clarity now, but also concern about what's already happened. I can do better moving forward, but I can't expect everyone to just forget what they've seen me put out.

now I'm wondering why it took so long after getting out of in-patient care and being off the medication to get back. all the things I know now, I also knew going into the ER. the 3 days I spent alone in that room and then in-patient care for almost a month. that had me lost, not knowing what happened or what was real and what wasn't. then I start falling into old habits, but I think not as bad as before.

in-patient care did help me and I did need to be in there, but somehow I lost what happened and what had been going on.

team filler · « **Reply #717 on:** January 30, 2021, 08:33:44 AM »

I feel good, but also with the clarity my online behavior is hitting me. I disassociate so much and so well. it's like it's all meaningless and doesn't register or matter at all while I'm doing it. it feels good having clarity, like I can get things right moving forward.

I know I fucked up bad and over a long period of time. I feel good, alleviated. like I can move. my back pain is even feeling better right now.

Nintex · « **Reply #718 on:** January 30, 2021, 08:43:28 AM »

I believe in you breh

team filler · « **Reply #719 on:** January 30, 2021, 04:51:11 PM »

the care I received at the ER, cottage, and crestwood was not what it should have been. the staff all knew everything and it hurt me. it's part of the reason I had to dump everything and just play it like nothing ever happened. I wouldn't have made it out of the hospital otherwise. it took a lot of prayer and meditation to survive the 3 days I spent in the ER. I went in going on my 4th day of no sleep and I was kept up for at least another day. the room I was in was next to some type of staff room and every time I would start do doze off I'd hear a loud slam like a big heavy door. that would startle me back awake and it just kept happening over and over. I had to use humor to survive through that, I had to make it funny for myself.

there's no way for me to prove the things I know were going on throughout my time in in-patient care. I've just gained enough clarity to see it all for what it was, instead of what I made it to survive through my stay. the meals I prayed over and ate knowing the food I was given had been tampered with. I just kept myself thankful for whatever I was given and prayed for everyone.

there's more I could say, maybe I will later. I do feel good about where I am mentally right now, emotionally there's a lot to unpack and work through.

maybe I'm wrong about some of it and I know it wasn't everyone on staff at the facilities. mostly I think they were all wonderful people and things got better over time in each place I was at.

the confusing thing is I think some of the things I noticed with the staff may have been intentional like some type of therapy. definitely at crestwood there was some type of program they ran for me. more I think on it I'm not so sure about things after the ER stay. cottage could have been do similar things as crestwood.

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Author Topic: Depression/mental health thread (Read 147751 times)